


Pull me to safety

by thedollars666



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Disguise, Kanra - Freeform, M/M, RMS Titanic, Titanic-AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:41:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23171848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedollars666/pseuds/thedollars666
Summary: It’s the year 1912, over two thousand people are about to board an unsinkable ship, The Titanic. Kanra’s world is filled with lies, pain and a love that has her bound to reasons why she stays. A young blond has boarded the ship in search of a fresh start, one where he doesn’t have to hide anymore. Secrets unfold during the voyage, as to why these two individuals are really there. It’s the ship of dreams; or is it the ship of hope? To two individuals, this ship could be their only way out.
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya, Orihara Izaya/Shiki Haruya
Comments: 20
Kudos: 26





	1. Titanic

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter of 3/3 of my brand new stories.
> 
> My favorite film of all time is Titanic. This story has been long overdue to begin writing, I have finally found the time to start. I really hope you like it.

** May 6th, 1912. Halifax, Nova Scotia. **

****

Two ships had traveled back to the disaster area of the Atlantic Ocean in the span of almost a month. The disaster area was quite a suitable word, though some probably referred to it as the wreckage site, the wreckage of one large luxurious ship, the Titanic. This particular liner had been named 'the unsinkable' ship, what a waste. The iceberg struck with no real warning, it had all happened so quickly; so many lives were lost…… they never stood a chance. 

On April 15th, around 02:20 am, two hours and forty minutes after the ship hit the ice, Titanic met her horrifying end, along with several hundred passengers and crew members. 

There was a purpose, of course, for these ships to travel back to the area, and it would devastate further lives. The first ship was called the CS Mackay-Bennett, it took almost four days to sail over, bringing with it nearly a hundred coffins. Those who worked aboard these ships experienced the heart-breaking task of recovering the bodies. 

The Mackay-Bennett recovered over three hundred souls, having discovered fifty-one on the very first day of arrival; this included forty-six men, four women, and a baby boy. Twenty-four of these, however, were buried at sea, too disfigured to be able to identify. 

For the time the ship was at the wreckage, a total of a-hundred-and-sixteen were buried at sea, and the crew identified only fifty-six. Bodies that were buried at sea weren't just for the sole reason of substantial disfigurement; there was also the shortage of embalming fluid. 

The Mackay-Bennett returned to Halifax to the sound of church and fire bells ringing throughout the town with a hundred and ninety recovered bodies on board, consisting of both passengers and crew members.

The CS Minia was the second ship to dispatch upon realizing the first would need some help. Arriving four days later, the ship spent a further week searching, recovering another seventeen by the end, two of which were buried at sea, unidentified crew members, both were firemen. A total of fifteen were then transferred to Halifax, Nova Scotia, only five of which were passengers. 

CS Minia arrived on May 6th. 

The fifteen bodies were treated the same as those recovered from the first ship, and laid within the Mayflower curling rink. The rink had been prepared as a temporary morgue. An area had been screened off, that had become an embalming section, those who remained unnamed were then moved onto specially constructed platforms, they would aid the identification. The undertakers were nearby, as well as a nurse, she assisted relatives of the dead in need of comforting. 

A young male was standing in the center, he had seen many people break down over the time spent in this rink, and he wondered how they coped, how he would feel upon seeing one whom he had searched for since the recovery began. 

"You may not find who you are looking for here," an undertaker spoke to him; of course, he knew what that meant; they had told him the same thing the first time too. The first time was the hardest, he hadn't been prepared for so many bodies; a mixture of first, second, and third class, along with crew members. It was crazy to think that he hadn't found who he was looking for that first time, being so many, he felt he had a better chance.

Belongings of those laying before him had already been notified, untouched though, only to be taken by the relatives. Five passengers were all that remained from the recoveries, what were the odds of finding them now? A sick and dreadful feeling churned within the pit of his stomach, lingering at the forefront of his mind; so far, a hundred and eighteen bodies were already buried at sea; had the one he searched for been too disfigured to identify? It was a very likely chance, but he refused to believe it. 

His hopes were quickly diminishing; two had already been identified, and another brought to the screened-off area. Raising a shaky hand, he lifted the cloth placed over the body in front of him, his eyes widened, and a choked gasp left his lips. Swallowing back the tears, he very carefully took the hand of the body with his own. "I found you…."

"May I offer comfort?" 

Turning his attention away, he realized the nurse was beside him and that she was speaking to him. He turned back to the one whose hand he was still holding; the nurse lightly touched his arm. 

"Did you know this person?" 

He knew what she was asking because the real question should have been, 'can you identify this person?' but she was there for comfort, and asking such a question was probably considered impolite. 

He smiled, and replied as tears clouded his vision, words that were filled with both a happy and a sad tone, "Yes, I did."

** April 10th, 1912. Southampton, England. 11:00am. **

****

Crowds upon crowds of people stood within awe of the ship's beauty and size. Passengers flocked to the gangway, preparing to board **** what was considered the grandest and luxurious liner to have been built, the Titanic. The passengers varied, evident to anyone who came from where. The first class, boarding first, were treated with high regard, being referred to as 'sir' or 'madam.' The second class, some may rival in appearance to the first, their level of luxury could also match that of the first from other liners. 

Kanra Shiraki, aged 17, gazed at the ship with what might be considered sheer excitement. She had never been on a cruise before, in fact, this was the first country she had visited outside of her own. She smiled at its beauty, respecting every inch of it with her eyes; it had to be over eight-hundred feet long. Kanra held a first-class ticket, so her appearance matched what was required of her to wear. She was uncomfortable, given her background and those she was associated with, her attire was one she most certainly wasn't used to. She hadn't always been recognized as wealthy, but she hadn't been judged inherently deficient either. 

Kanra's attention was pulled away from the ship for a moment, to the people standing a few feet away from her, third-class passengers, no doubt. Their clothes were often what gave them away, third-class passengers varied widely in nationalities and ethnic families. Mainly, their groups consisted of immigrants, ranging between British, Irish, and Scandinavian. Kanra found herself wondering what kind of lives they had led, what their reasons for boarding this ship was, whether they might have a similar story to her own. She snorted because she highly doubted it, but it didn't mean she was going to judge them, she was sure they had their troubles too. 

Kanra looked back at the ship, her eyes glinted in excitement every time, and yet – though she smiled, the reasons why she was here in the first place, had her partially concerned. Kanra's right hand was grabbed, she didn't startle, though she did give the one in question her attention. "There is plenty of time for distraction later, this isn't meant to be a vacation, please stop treating it as such," the man beside her spoke sternly, though Kanra could see the amusement in his eyes. "We must board now."

Kanra nodded and followed him toward the gangway, along with two others that were boarding with them. Kanra glanced at the other first-class women around her, noting with some relief, that her chosen attire appeared to be correct. Of course, even the man holding her hand made sure to fit in properly, topcoats and hats, black and white suits. As if being in first class wasn't enough, they also had to flaunt their appearance in some way just so people  _ knew.  _ The women, and even the female children, wore elegant dresses, some of which were kimono style, and over-the-elbow satin material gloves. Large over-sized hats framed their faces, complete with feathers, bows, flowers, lace, birds, and tulle. Kanra stepped through one of the ship's door's, her dress was kimono style, red silk and white lace athwart the front. Despite its origin matching where she was from, she considered her attire as nothing more than a bother. 

A crew member guided them along the bridge; Kanra glanced up at the plaques adorning the ship's wall's, committing what she had seen so far into her memory; a liner this big, one had to be perceptive. Currently, they were on B deck, somewhere amidships. The steward turned to them with a smile, causing them to pause mid-step, he gestured with his arm toward two doors. "Your rooms, sir's, madams; suite's thirty-two and thirty-three, I do hope you'll find them pleasing."

Kanra shared a glance with the other female on her left side, Hotaru Nishida; she was three years older and had been her acting personal servant for two-years now. Kanra gave her an eye roll, and despite being amused by this, the woman was very good at keeping her composure. The man in front of them; Nori Taketa, gave a slight bow once the steward had left them, and retreated to see to his room. The suite thirty-two was double adjoined, space for servants to be situated nearby their masters/mistresses. Kanra suspected that all the first-class suites were the same, many like them probably had servants accompany them. 

"Retire to your room for now," the male that was still with them spoke bluntly toward Hotaru, eyes slightly narrowed, and Hotaru bowed and left immediately upon request. Kanra gave a small sigh and turned with a hand to her hip. 

"Must you be so forceful?" Kanra said, but she dropped her hand, not willing to risk reproach. 

Her question was met with a half-smile, and then a hand cupped her face, fingers threading through her hair. "Whether we are first-class passengers on board this ship, sailing from England, or whether we are back home, among my associated groups, respect is demanded. Nishida is still a servant, no matter the place." The man then gave her a sideways grin of amusement. "Your attire suits you; I could get used to that." Leaning forward, the taller figure, known as Haruya Shiki, placed his lips upon hers. 

Kanra gave a slight moan of appreciation, her arm came to encircle around his waist. Pulling away, Shiki lifted the pocket watch from his jacket and said, "The ship will be underway in ten minutes."

"Are you quite sure that he's onboard?" she asked.

Shiki raised an eyebrow. "Shouldn't I be asking you that question, you are the main reason we are here after all." Shiki stared at Kanra intently, as though looking for any signs of doubt. "Do not speak of your doubts now."

"I'm not. I am very confident, so please don't doubt me."

Shiki sighed and then kissed her lips. "Of course not, I apologize." Kanra flinched ever so slightly because had they been in other's company, she would not have received such a response. No matter where they were, women were regarded as a helpmate for their lovers/husband, holding no rights. However, very few understood how Shiki allowed a woman – even one so young - speak to him in such a manner, especially since the two showed no signs of marriage. Marriage or not, a woman was required to honor their mates, to respect them in every way. Kanra knew that those around them, would not have hesitated to, 'punish' had she been with them. Shiki never did, that is, until a year ago. 

Shiki's guard, Nori Taketa, had once suggested using Kanra to gain what information they required - seductively. Forgetting her status immediately, she spoke aggressively and refused the very idea. A hard slap with the back of Shiki's hand silenced her. Apologies came later, once the two were alone, and her young inexperienced mind led her to, 'forgive and forget.' "It will never happen again," Shiki had said, but until recently, it did. 

Kanra nodded, watching two crew members as they appeared in the suite's sitting area with their belongings. Once they had left again, Kanra turned to Shiki. "I'd like to watch the ship leave."

Shiki looked at her for a moment, looking as though he would protest, but then he nodded. Kanra smiled, and just as she turned to leave, Shiki grabbed her wrist. "We are not from this country, and though that might be obvious, we need not draw attention, just remember that."

Kanra frowned; she wasn't stupid, and she only wished Shiki would stop treating her as such. Before she could rethink her next reply, the words left her mouth. "Stop treating me like a child, I'm supposed to be your lover."

Shiki narrowed his eyes, but he didn't react, he knew what she meant, and all he could do was agree, while they were alone at least. "Speak English among them."

****

** April 10th, 1912. Southampton, England. 11:15 am. **

****

"This is ridiculous! I don't have goddamn lice!" the twenty-two-year-old male shouted in protest, drawing unnecessary attention to himself. The blond male batted the hand of the one trying to groom him, but the man paid him no heed and continued his job. 

"You must stand through the inspection if you wish to come aboard. No inspection, no boarding."

The blond snorted and growled again when the man combed through his hair. "Even if I have a ticket?"

With a stern look on his face, the man pointed his finger at him. " _ Only  _ if you pass."

Tch. This was seriously getting on his nerves; how could they treat those less fortunate so differently? They were all human beings after all; did that not count for anything at all? He was grateful to his brother for getting him this ticket, his only opportunity to get the hell out of England. Don't misunderstand him, he was rather fond of this country, he enjoyed the simplicity of life among those with a similar status. It wasn't that he wanted to leave, it was because he couldn't  _ stay.  _

"It's for their reassurance, rather than ours," someone beside him spoke, they spoke English, but he couldn't place the accent. "First-time traveler?"

The blond shook his head and then sighed in relief when the 'groomer' was finally finished. He stepped to the side when a few passengers walked past him, also finished with their inspection. The one who had spoken to him just now stepped toward him, and they started to walk in-step toward the gangway. 

"The name's Johnson, Carl Johnson. Third class," the man huffed a laugh as they ascended the ramp.

"Although I'm having a hard time placing your accent, your English is good," the blond commented. The two showed the crew member standing guard at the entrance, their tickets, and tried as best they could to locate their cabins. 

"I could say the same to you, my friend," Carl replied as they made their way through the forecastle of D deck. 

The blond gave a half-smile as they backed up slightly against the wall, allowing other passengers to pass. "What gave me away?"

Carl shrugged. "Dunno, something about ya. I'm Swedish if you wanted to know, and you?"

The two turn down another corridor, they appeared to have cabins close to each other. The blond found himself feeling thankful, maybe this could be the fresh start he had been looking for, perhaps he could make some friends and just put his troubles behind him. No one on this ship knew of him, he could finally be himself, no discretion. "Japanese," he replied to the man.

Carl looked at him with astonishment. "Really?" he then smiled. "I've yet to meet a Japanese man before! Your English is excellent, I'd never have guessed!"

The blond smiled in response to the genuine compliment. "Should have seen me a year ago," he laughed, "didn't have a clue."

"Ha! I wouldn't know it. So, what're ya reasons for such travels, why did ya move from Japan to England?"

Sighing, the blond remained quiet, maybe some discretion was still necessary after all. "I can't say."

Carl just nodded, not giving the slightest damn. "What about now, ya reasons for coming aboard this fine ship?"

Silence, again. "Um…"

Carl smiled, and with a tilt of his head, he said, "Fresh start?"

The blond smiled. "Yeah, I guess you could say that."

Carl looked at his ticket and then glanced over to peek at the blond's, his smile brightened significantly. "What luck bestowed on us today," he shouted with glee, "you and I have the same cabin here." He pointed at the cabin number and then at their tickets. "Cabin D18," Carl laughed and opened the door, stepping inside with a light whistle. "Have to say, I expected less, this is pretty neat."

The blond looked around their small cabin, two bunk beds furnished the space, one on either side. There was a small gap by the glass window, barely big enough for one suitcase, let alone four. He looked at the small luggage with a frown.  _ Good thing that I travel light.  _ Glancing between the bunk beds, he wasn't sure if he could share a cabin as small as this with two other people, maybe one, Carl Johnson seemed easy to get along with. 

Carl turned to him with a grin, having just enough space to spread his arms out. "It's not The Ritz, but hell, it's the best I've seen. On the bright side, we get first dibs on the bunks; I prefer the top bunk if you ask me."

Smiling, the blond placed his luggage on top of the other bunk. "Me too."

Carl climbed the small step ladder and sat with his legs dangling from the mattress. "So, my Japanese friend who speaks good English, to what name do you go by? Surely that can't be a secret too, right?"


	2. Have we met before?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos!

Kanra stepped outside onto the promenade boat deck, the fresh sea breeze air blowing her hair lightly. Smiling, she breathed in deeply as she closed her eyes, her hands grasping the railing. Savoring these few moments she had to herself, she then opened her eyes to the waving crowds below. There were so many people; she glanced left and right, passengers of all classes had gathered in mass crowds to bid farewell. How many of these were saying goodbye to families, to their loved ones, or even to their friends? Kanra didn't know a single person down there, and yet, she couldn't resist raising her hand and waving. She half wondered whether she was the only one, there were probably other passengers on board who didn't know any of the people they were waving to either. 

Kanra lowered her hand and sighed, a somewhat gloomy expression appeared on her face. Why were these people so happy to leave anyway? She found herself just a tad envious, wishing only for a moment that she could be free like them. Free, in every sense of the word, not just the carefree kind; she was trapped, and had been for a long time. Kanra wouldn't place the blame on Shiki, and even if she did, he would tell her that it was all her fault anyway, probably. She tried to remember a moment in her life when she was happy, was it back when she was living at home? Or when she and Shiki first met? Kanra slouched for a moment, leaning over the railing, to hell with first-class composure. 

Living at home, had she been happy? Perhaps, for a moment, maybe. When she first met Shiki, life was okay, she could honestly say that was the truth. He looked after her, protected her, cared for her, and dare she say it, maybe he even loved her. Now, life was not okay, she didn't know what was real anymore. He still protected her, possibly cared for her, and yet, she was having a tough time believing he looked after her. The love? Maybe his love for her hadn't died, because every time their relationship took a dark turn, she could see the regret in his eyes. Perhaps there was no love, maybe he had simply grown accustomed to her, maybe their relationship was only physical.

Watching the crowds below as they continued to wave at the passengers, she glanced at her right wrist, the gold glinted in the sunlight, 11:55 am. The ship would set sail in five minutes and begin its route toward New York. What was stopping her from going? Kanra chewed her lip, she could suddenly leave, she had time, and no one would even notice. Shiki would notice, but he would see too late, and there would be nothing he could do about it. "I could leave…." 

"Why don't you."

Kanra startled, she turned abruptly, her heart hammering in her chest. The fear of Shiki hearing her was probably evident on her face, but before she could apologize for even uttering such a thing, relief spread throughout her entire body. The one who had spoken to her just now was not Shiki, nor Taketa either. Not even her servant, not that Kanra would expect her to run to Shiki with the obtained knowledge. No, neither of them was standing before her, a frown soon appeared on her face. "Can I help you with something?" Kanra's eyes roamed up and down the said person's attire, she snorted out of habit. It was a male, blond hair and taller than herself, maybe even a few years older. He was dressed in dark brown pants, and a faded white shirt, suspenders hung loosely over his shoulders to hold up the top half of his pants. Kanra looked at him as if to say, 'typical third class.' She wouldn't voice that part, she wasn't that cruel.

The blond rolled his eyes at her and then took out a cigarette from his pocket as he leaned over the rail. "Don't fret, I'm just up here because the view is better." He lit the cigarette with a match and took the first drag with a satisfied grunt.

Kanra narrowed her eyes then and stepped beside him. "If you're aware that your presence among this part of the ship is unwelcomed, then leave, and also, I was not in any way fearful."

The blond huffed a laugh then, turning his attention from the crowd below to her. "I'm not leaving, because I don't care, s'not like you own this ship, is it?" Kanra opened her mouth to say something, but it seemed he wasn't quite finished. "And yes, you were." Frowning, Kanra turned to leave, but then he spoke again. "Didn't answer my question."

Kanra sighed and faced him. "What question would that be?"

The blond tilted his head for a moment, it was a wild guess if he was honest, and if he was wrong, no harm was done, right? Before asking his question again, he switched his dialogue to Japanese. "Why don't you leave?" Kanra's eyes widened upon hearing him speak, and he knew that she understood him.

Kanra quickly changed her dialogue to converse with him. "You speak Japanese…"

The blond nodded, he smiled. "I'm from Iwate prefecture, Honshu, s'where I was born at least, and you?" Kanra's ability to speak was taken for a moment; she hadn't expected to run into any other Japanese people, other then the one she knew was onboard – then her eyes widened again, wait…... could it be? Before she could reply, he spoke again, "You look surprised, pretty sure I saw at least one other on my way to my cabin, second class, probably, but that might just be a guess. Are you traveling alone?"

Kanra simply stared at him, she registered his question, but instead of replying, she asked her own. "What's your name?"

The blond shrugged off her subtle avoidance of his question, and then replied, "Heiwajima."

The ship gave a slight jolt, and Heiwajima glanced over the docks one last time before the vessel began to move. 

** April 10th, 12:20pm. **

****

Shiki looked up from his seat on the armchair, their private promenade deck. He sighed as Kanra walked across the wooden floor. "There you are." He then turned to Taketa, who he had been currently conversing with. "Leave us." Taketa nodded and then stood up with a slight bow, he turned to leave, but not before giving Kanra a disdainful look. Shiki stood up and stepped in front of her. "I was beginning to worry."

Kanra resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "I was gone only thirty minutes," she said before taking a seat on the opposite chair he had occupied before. She looked up at him, and he reclaimed his place. 

"The ship set sail twenty minutes ago, you said you wanted to watch it leave; I presumed you would return to me afterward."

Kanra didn't react, she linked her hands together in her lap, glancing down for a second.  _ I nearly didn't,  _ she thought; __ if that blond third-class hadn't approached her, she would have left the ship and escaped…. possibly. 

"Have my words upset you? I am only concerned for you," Shiki smiled. "You're looking rather, as the English may say, splendid." Kanra couldn't help but huff a laugh at his words, she shook her head with amusement but denied herself relaxation. "You can relax, we are alone now."

"He's here," she said quietly. Shiki tensed upon hearing this; his posture straightened with a frown. 

"You saw him already?"

Kanra nodded. "Upon the boat deck promenade; there were many passengers bidding farewell to people on the docks, but there was no mistaking him, he spoke Japanese after all."

Shiki leaned forward then, gritting out his next words. "You spoke with him?"

Kanra almost flinched at his tone, but she remained calm. "I didn't have a choice, I wasn't paying attention, he approached me first. He said he wanted to get a better view." She could have kicked herself for what just came out of her mouth; not wanting Shiki to get the wrong idea, she quickly spoke again, "Of the docks, to wave goodbye."

Shiki relaxed with a smile. "Well, at least we can confirm his location is on board Titanic." He then shuffled forward and stood up, reaching out for her hand. "Come, we have been invited to have tea with a Mr. Sloper and Mr. Nourney."

Kanra took his hand and then huffed. "I thought this wasn't a vacation?"

Shiki grinned slightly and pulled her to her feet. "Neither of them is courting, I hoped to show you off."

She hesitated because there was something else she should tell him, but Kanra couldn't find the courage to spoil his newfound good mood, so she smiled at him and replied, "Then, I should change."

It seemed ridiculous to her, to have a change of outfit for every single occasion. It was a joke! No wonder Shiki had her pack some many damn clothes. An outfit for breakfast, lunch, tea, for dinners, and the evening. Honestly, she had a headache just thinking about it all, and she felt sorry for Nishida, for having to help dress her every single time. Kanra would protest that she could do it herself, but neither Shiki nor Nishida would let her. 

Her mind reeled back to her conversation with Heiwajima back on the boat deck as she followed Shiki down the sizeable grand staircase. She looked up with a squint, the sun was beaming in through the glass dome above them, it was truly magnificent. She would have appreciated its beauty more, taken time to wonder about the art decorating the ceiling above if her mind wasn't clouded with worry.

** April 10th, 12:03 pm. **

****

****

The blond looked back at Kanra as the ship began to move slowly away from the docks. She was looking at him in surprise, he wondered why, then as he thought about it, if she was Japanese, could she have heard about him? Nah, that was impossible; he had been here in England over a year; the fact that she was here, boarding the same ship, and was of the same origin was just a massive coincidence. "What part of Japan are you from?" he asked upon realizing that she wasn't going to speak again.

Kanra blinked at the question, why the hell was he speaking so casually to her? Before she could reply, however, he snorted and placed his hands in his pockets after throwing out his cigarette. 

"Suppose you're going to tell me that it's wrong for me to talk to you and that a third class and a first shouldn't converse?"

Kanra huffed in annoyance, mainly because she had been thinking it, but she wasn't going to say it. "I'm from Tokyo," she said, choosing to respond to his earlier question instead. She continued to stare at him though, something about him puzzled her.  _ He is supposed to have brown hair.  _ She was quite sure that he did, then again, who was she to judge a disguise?  _ He likely dyed his hair to hide. Clever, if he hadn't told me his name already, it would have worked.  _

He leaned against the railing, glancing down at the shifting ocean as the ship sailed ahead now. "This might sound odd, but tell me something," he looked at her with a slight tilt of his head, "do we - do we know each other?"

Kanra gave a short laugh at this. "I hardly think so."

The blond frowned for a second. "Enough with the first-class bull." The frown faded into a thoughtful gaze. "I meant, I feel like I've seen you before."

Kanra gave him a slight grin. "I might have thought I was one that nobody would forget, no matter how brief the meeting was."

The blond snorted at that, then he looked at her with what could only be a somewhat  _ knowing  _ expression. "Wanna know what I think?" Kanra rolled her eyes and turned to leave. "I think you're putting on an act."

Kanra twirled around, her eyes wide. "What?"

"Yeah, I've met some pretty high-class assholes in my time here, men and women alike. You don't come close, so what I'm seeing is a young woman, just acting the part to please everyone else."

Kanra sighed; she then gave him a scornful look. "You don't know me at all."

The blond laughed. "Nah, at least, not until you gave me that look just now," he smiled lightly at her, and then his expression changed to one of – concern? "I remembered then, where I'd seen you before, you gave me that same look back then too, except-"

Kanra began to panic, she had not met him before! No way, she was a hundred percent sure of it! Her hands began to shake, and her voice became quiet as she replied, "Except what?"

"There was a pretty nasty bruise," he pointed to his left eye, "right here. And slightly raised skin," he then lowered his finger to his lip, "here."

Kanra didn't know how she was standing right now, she was feeling very light-headed, nauseous even because what the blond was telling her, couldn't be right. If it was, then their whole plan was a failure!

** February 12th, 1912. 8:25pm. **

****

The bell above the door rang through the empty bar, glancing up to greet his customer, the young brunet said, "Sorry, we're closed for the night. Slow day." Upon further notice, he saw that his customer was a young woman; she could not have been any more than seventeen? Maybe even sixteen. "We're closed, and I'm going to guess that you don't match the minimum age requirement." The woman ignored his protests and stepped up to sit on a stool at the bar. "Oi, didn't you hear me at all?" without meaning to, he slammed his hand down on the bar angrily, a splinter of wood broke away. The woman – the girl, looked up at him with a fearful expression on her face. "Shit." Now he could see her correctly, and it wasn't her expression toward him that caused him to curse, it was what he saw on her face. 

She smiled though, but it didn't quite reach her eyes, looking down at her lap. "Sorry to bother you when you're closing up, but I don't suppose I could trouble you for some ice, perhaps?"

He blinked at her and then hurriedly retrieved a bag from the white chest behind him. He scooped some ice into a clean rag and then covered them with it. Turning back, he held the cloth toward her. "Here."

She took it gratefully and didn't even flinch as she pressed it to her eye. "What's the charge barman?"

He shrugged. "It's technically just water, and water is free, right?"

She smiled at that. "I suppose it is."

He turned away for a moment before coming back with two glass bottles, the liquid was dark, so she assumed it might have been perhaps Guinness, though she wasn't an expert. The brunet huffed a laugh of embarrassment, and she gave him a questioning look. "Sorry, you probably want a glass…. We don't get many females in here, and those that do come in here are, well, you know…"

She raised an eyebrow. "Prostitutes?" He nodded, a blush creeping upon his face. "And I thought I was too young to drink?" she grinned at him before nodded to the drink in front of her.

"No one's here, we are alone. You look like you might appreciate one." He was about to reach for a glass, but she grabbed the bottle and took a gulp. He blinked at her with mild surprise, she huffed a small laugh. 

"Don't go to the trouble of dirtying a glass for me, I did bother you while you're closing after all." Taking another swig, she then asked, "You don't presume I'm one, a prostitute, I mean?"

"At first I did when I saw your bruises. Then I considered how young you are, and I changed my mind."

She frowned and placed the ice down on the bar before replying quietly, head hanging low. "Maybe I'm not that far off the mark…." 

He clenched a fist and narrowed his eyes, he'd seen how a few men treated their women, so he knew what she was talking about. "You don't have to live this way, escape while you still can."

She looked up at him with a brief smile. "Is this the part where you tell me that you'll save me?"

He frowned. "Maybe, that depends."

"On what?"

"Whether or not you want to be saved."

She took a few gulps of her bottle and stood up from the stool. "What if I don't?"

The brunet gave a sad sigh. "Then I probably will never see you again."

She placed a single pound coin on the bar. "It's too late anyway, but thanks for your show of concern." 

He looked at the coin in surprise, and then lifted his head to the exit, shouting just before she left, "This is way too much money."

She smiled. "Consider it a very nice tip." And then she was gone.

** April 10th, 12:10 pm. **

****

Kanra stared at him, utter shock on her face, she really couldn't believe it. She  _ had  _ seen him before, what the hell was she supposed to do now? Shiki was going to flip out. Of course, she hadn't meant for them to meet, how was she supposed to know that the one they had tracked here had seen her before. "You used to be brown," she said quietly. The blond simply smiled, he then brought his other hand out of his pocket, took her hand, and placed the pound coin in her palm. She gasped lightly and then gazed up at him. "You still have it?"

"I kept it with me, I thought it might give me some hope, told myself that if I ever saw you again, I'd give it back."

** 6:00pm.  **

****

Kanra and Shiki retired to their cabin, they had been engaging in polite conversations with some of the other first-class passengers the entire afternoon and into the early evening, when their dinner was announced by the ship's bugler. While conversing with Mr. Nourney and Mr. Sloper, the two learned that Alfred Nourney had been a second-class passenger when he first boarded but was upgraded to first. William Thompson Sloper was a stockbroker, he had been persuaded to sail on Titanic by some friends.

"You've been quiet, perhaps even melancholy," Shiki said as he shut the door once they stepped into the room. "May I ask why?" Kanra turned to him with a sigh, her nervous expression must have shown because Shiki stepped forward. "You have been this way since you came back from conversing with Heiwajima."

Kanra flinched, but she remained as calm as possible. "Shiki," she began, "He's seen me before."

Shiki's expression changed from a concerned one to one of growing anger. "Repeat that, I don't believe I heard you right."

"I didn't recognize him when he approached, he used to be-"

Shiki gritted his teeth. "I said, repeat it!"

Kanra huffed lightly, and with a frown, she complied. "He's seen me before." Shiki's eyes narrowed, he turned away for a moment, fists clenched, trying to calm down. "He's blond now, he probably dyed his hair to hide, I didn't know…. It was two months before we learned of Hanejima's real name." Suddenly, Shiki spun around, and Kanra was swiped hard across the face. 

"How could you be so stupid!" 

Wincing, Kanra shifted up into a sitting position on the floor, her fingertips touching her lip. "I didn't know it was him, I didn't find out his real name until a month later…. I'm sorry."

Shiki looked at her, a vulgar expression crossing his face. He knelt beside her, raising his hand, Kanra inched away slightly, but he just swiped his thumb over the trickle of blood that had formed. "Forgive me, I should not have hit you." Kanra nodded as she pulled her knee up to her chest. Shiki stood up with a sigh of regret, he turned for the door of their suite. "I will give you some time alone." Just as he was about to turn for the door, an idea formed in his head, turning back to Kanra, he asked, "Can you be certain he doesn't know why we're onboard the ship?"

Kanra looked up at him. "I highly doubt that he does."

Shiki smiled, though it was half forming into a grin. "Then, I believe I have the perfect plan."


	3. Mix up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay safe, hope everyone is well.

** April 10th, 6:30 pm. Cherbourg. **

****

****

Kanra stared down at the docks as the gangways were lowered, and people flocked to them and began to board the ship. She chewed her lip, her hands crossed over the railing, and her body upright. Although her composure couldn’t be faltered, her eyes glistened when her teeth grazed over the abrasion forming on her lip. It wasn’t the hit that caused her emotions to surface, well, not the entire reason. Shiki had promised her, he had promised her that she wouldn’t be placed into this kind of situation again. 

_ Kanra stood up as Shiki’s grin caused her to worry, she could only imagine what he was thinking. “What idea?” she spoke, her tone light but confident, despite just being hit.  _

__

_ “Heiwajima doesn’t know who you are, but having seen you before, means he’s at least acquainted with you.” _

__

_ She knew what he was going to say because it wasn’t the first time he had made her go through this. “You promised.” Why did she even bother? It was useless talking him out of it, mainly because the idea usually worked. _

__

_ Shiki’s eyes softened, he stepped in front of her and kissed her lips lightly before pulling away. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a small black velvet box. Kanra gasped when he lifted the lid and revealed a gold diamond ring. “Once Heiwajima is out of the way, my troubles will be over, and I will marry you.” _

__

_ Kanra touched the box with her fingertips; Shiki took the ring from its place, she watched him slip it onto her left finger and then shook her head when reality set in. “We can’t…. it's impossible.” _

__

_ Shiki grabbed the back of her head with a little more force than necessary and then kissed her again. “Nothing is impossible. Do you not love me?” _

__

_ Kanra tried not to hesitate, but she wondered if Shiki had lost his mind. “Of course.”  _

__

That was how he got to her, manipulating her with guilt, made her doubt her love for him, and then she would just do as he asked. She wasn’t stupid, she knew he played her every time, he had even told her once or twice that he was nothing without her. When did their relationship become so tainted? They were happy once before, she was sure of that, but the wars between the Yakuza groups had made him violently aggressive. There was a time when he went to great lengths to protect her, but now he couldn’t even protect her from himself. 

“If you still wanna escape, now would be a good time,” a voice behind her spoke; before she could turn to said person, they stepped up beside her, and Kanra couldn’t help but think déjà vu. She didn’t need to know who was approaching her, the rough voice speaking in Japanese was enough. “Be easy, to just walk off the ship, never look back.”

Kanra looked at the blond with the cigarette in between his teeth. She looked down at her hands and then rolled the ring around her finger. “It’s too late.”

Heiwajima looked at her and then noticed the ring she was playing with. “I guess that answers my earlier question, whether or not you’re traveling alone.” The blond frowned and then grabbed her arm, forcing her to look at him, he gritted his teeth. Kanra suddenly wondered why he was angry, her eyes widened slightly when she realized, and she glanced away from him. 

“It’s not his fault, it was mine,” she said almost without hesitation, and Heiwajima slammed his fist against the railing. She flinched at the dent he had caused, with a gasp, she gazed up at him.  _ It is him; I knew that being an assassin would mean he was strong but –  _

__

“That’s bullshit!”

Kanra blinked in confusion, having already forgotten their previous conversation. 

“You are never to blame for any of the times he hits you!” ah, that was it. Kanra smiled at him, finding herself wondering how a cold-blooded assassin could care so much. 

“I have a big mouth. I shouldn’t speak my mind so much, I suppose; I love him, so he deserves better from me.”

Heiwajima clenched his fists. “You’re insane, how can you love a guy like that; one day, he’ll kill you.”

Kanra’s eyes narrowed. “That’s ridiculous,” she replied, though in her heart she knew that it might happen. Shiki didn’t think before he acted when he was angry, so if he did kill her, it would most likely be an accident. 

The blond looked at the dent he’d caused on the railing and then back at Kanra. “He’ll manipulate and hit you until you’re too submissive to even care if it’s wrong.”

Slap!

Kanra blinked in surprise, her hand lowered from his face, and she stepped back. He didn’t react, he just stared at her with a small apologetic look. She hadn’t meant to slap him, but his words just hit too close to the truth. It didn’t matter whether it was wrong or not, because a woman’s role was to support their husbands, their mates, no matter what. What mattered was that there wasn’t anything she could do about it. Everything was a risk in her life, and each day she woke, it became just a little bit harder to keep going. 

Was it wrong for Shiki to hit her? Kanra sighed, she very much doubted the blond would utter such a thing if he knew the truth. 

“Didn’t mean to upset you,” the man spoke as he took a drag of his cigarette, “just speaking the truth, I get that a woman must be supportive, but I don’t think she deserves to be treated without the same respect.”

Kanra chuckled slightly. “That kind of talk will get you locked away, they will think of you as insane, perhaps place you in the confinements of an asylum.”

The blond shrugged. “Just what I believe. I’ve met some bastards in my life, doing whatever they can to get what they want.”

Kanra averted his gaze for a moment, her eyes scanning over the deck as the gangways were being pulled up. She had noticed it had gotten dark, damn, she had forgotten what she was supposed to be doing. The reason why she had let the blond approach her and why she was conversing with him. For a second, she almost hesitated, because she wondered if the man in front of her deserved it. Nothing could happen while they were sailing the ship, but by the time they got to New York, the blond would already have fallen for her. That was the plan anyway, again, it wasn’t the first time, though the previous times were but a mere seduction. Shiki planned to have her make the blond fall in love with her, or at least develop feelings strong enough to leave him vulnerable. 

Kanra cringed, that wasn’t the worst part, and she struggled to hold herself together every time she thought about it. 

_ Shiki brushed a few strands of hair from her face, and with a smile, he said, “He will fall for you, and that’s when you’ll kill him.” _

__

Shiki had told her to kill for him! She didn’t do that, she never did that! When she seduced his enemies, just leaving them vulnerable enough to share their secrets, Shiki and his men came and did whatever they needed to do. Kanra tensed, and she found herself feeling more trapped than ever before, this was it, she would never escape now. 

_ “By the time the ship docks in New York, he would have already fallen in love with you before he realizes you’ve played him.” _

__

_ Kanra breathes out a shuddery exhale, and her small fingers close around Shiki’s wrist, his hand still cupped the back of her head as his fingers thread through her hair. “You-” she couldn’t speak the words she wanted to, because the shock of his, had left her feeling numb. Out of instinct, she closed her eyes when Shiki leaned in to brush his lips across hers. When he pulled away, her eyes fluttered open, and she had just enough courage to finally voice her words. “You want me to kill him for you?” there was a clench of her heart even when she said it out loud, it sounded even worse.  _

__

_ Shiki smiled at her, rubbing the back of her cheek with his thumb. “You do love me, right?” from the moment those words left his lips, she knew, this was not the man she fell for, how could he ask her to do something like that, and to use the love she had for him to his advantage? She found herself wondering who was more messed up, him or her.  _

__

The blond stared at her, waiting; she had to replay their conversation to remember what they were talking about before, something about respecting women? She smiled inwardly, the thought caused her to relax a little, his opinions on such a thing were a foreign concept to her. Before she could give any kind of response, there was a step forward from him, and then he spoke, “Are you all right?” 

Blinking, Kanra then stiffened and composed herself, the jolt of the ship brought them back to reality, the slight curve letting them know that Titanic had begun the continuation of its journey, leaving Cherbourg behind; another chance to escape gone forever. 

Kanra snorted, taking a step back from his one step forward, but before she could say anything that related to an insult, she remembered what she was supposed to be doing. Instead of the words she wanted to voice - words that came naturally to her in this type of situation – she softened her tone and forced a smile on her face. “I was hoping to see you here, perhaps we might engage in conversation, and I could get to know you.” It must have looked suspicious, even if the blond didn’t know who she was or what she was doing on this boat. The reality of her suggestion was very peculiar, someone of her status wouldn't voluntarily approach someone such as him just to get to know him. Kanra could only imagine the accusing stares they might receive, and she was willing to bet that he wasn’t that naïve. To clear the suspicion, she huffed a polite laugh, and a grin crossed her face. “I offer you my presence merely as a token of gratitude; your assistance in the bar before, for the free drink, and-” she opened her palm to reveal the coin. “The return of money, even though I gave that to you, you didn’t use it.”

He snorted and gave her a slight frown. “You sure think highly of yourself, don’t you, as if your presence around me is enough to offer thanks.”

Kanra shrugged. “Isn’t it?” 

He couldn’t help but look into her eyes, there was a hint of teasing that glinted in them, and he found himself thinking how different she was to any other woman he had met before. He knew it was stupid, but despite his instinct to sense trouble, he replied without any more regard for himself. “If you say so, but won’t your so-called fiancé have something to say about this?”

Kanra looked at him, couldn’t quite distinguish his question, whether he asked it out of concern for her, or just in general. She gave a light shrug, closing her hand around the coin to cover up the clenching of her fist. “He’s aware of my curiosity when it comes to engaging in odd conversations, especially between those of lower status.” And she was able to force a smile on her face at her next words, “One of the reasons he loves me.” The words cut her deeper than she would ever care to admit, because the more she said it, the more she was starting to disbelief them; only speaking them to try and convince herself.

Heiwajima’s eyes narrowed, and Kanra watched his fists clench, it was dark now, the night sky filled with stars casting over them. Despite this, the lights surrounding the ship was enough for her to see his expression. “He’s sure got a screwed-up way of showing it.”

Kanra’s fist clenched tighter around the coin, she wasn’t going to let him get inside her head, he was not going to convince her of what she already knew deep down. “I love him,” she said, but even as she did, she found herself cringing just the slightest bit. “Perhaps my suggestion before was too absurd, I bid you goodnight, Mr. Heiwajima.” As she turned away from him to retreat, she felt a hand close around her wrist and tilts back to face him. His face is void of anger now, and a guilty expression has formed instead. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t have a right to voice an opinion on your life,” he replied, he then smiled at her. “Meet me here tomorrow at 10, if you wish to still get to know me.”

There was a moment of hesitation on her part like she was being given a chance to back out. Despite him being an assassin, she wasn’t entirely sure he deserved what she was about to do to him. Before she could rethink her next words, they left her mouth without consideration. “For a would-be assassin, you have a surprisingly gentle personality.” Realizing her mistake, she turned from him with a quick, ‘goodnight’ and left without giving him a chance to reply.

** April 11th, 8:30 am. **

****

Kanra sat straight in her chair, she and Shiki had joined a few of the first-class passengers for breakfast. One of which was the very carpenter that designed the ship they were sailing on, Mr. Thomas Andrews. Under any other circumstances, she would have been intrigued by the information he was sharing. Still, she was only half-listening to his explanations of its structure because the other half of her attention was clouded with thoughts of her meeting with the blond male, which was soon to take place in less than two hours. 

There was a woman who sat with them; she had boarded the ship when it docked at Cherbourg yesterday evening. She and Kanra had bumped into one another after her retreat from the boat deck, her name was Margaret Brown, but she was told to address her as Molly. 

** April 10th, 9:15 pm. **

****

Kanra stepped out of the elevator, her head tilted down slightly to avoid unnecessary stares. She was on her way back to Shiki, ready to explain to him that the prompt to get to know Heiwajima had been a success. Once she returned, there would be a handful of apologies about his actions from before because there always was. Usually, Kanra didn’t care about those that stopped long enough to pass her a glance, she knew what they were probably thinking. They were on a ship, and neither she nor Shiki knew any of these people, so it was best to avoid the gossip that might spring forth. 

Kanra glanced up then, passing by Noël Rothes, and Roberta Maloni, whom Kanra had learned from Hotaru Nishida, was Rothe's maid. She didn’t think they were the type to engage in idle gossip, but she wouldn’t put it past them, she held no trust for any of them. 

Due to her not paying attention entirely to her surroundings, she bumped into someone. Stepping back slightly, she tilted her head down slightly to apologize for her carelessness. 

“There was certainly no harm done, just try and be careful, space out that much, and you could walk right off the ship.” Kanra flashed her a slight smile; it was a woman, dressed in a fur coat, earrings dangling and her curled hair was brown, her appearance suggested she was first class, but her smile was kind, and she didn’t appear at all conceited. “My name is Margaret Brown,” she said with a hand offered out to shake. 

“A pleasure,” Kanra replied gracefully, taking the offered hand. “I was deep in my thoughts just now; therefore, the accidental bump was my fault; I apologize, Mrs. Brown.” Kanra was a brilliant observer, so addressing her as  _ Mrs  _ was purely on the observation of her wedding ring. 

She smiled with a tut and retreated her hand. “Already forgotten. Quite a strong shake for someone so small,” she joked, but Kanra couldn’t help but blush just a slight bit. “And I see someone has snatched you up already, quite a ring too.” 

Kanra grazed the ring with her fingertips while her hand was outstretched. “Engaged just yesterday.” If the woman noticed the bruise on her face, she made it a point not to voice it. 

“What brings a young woman like yourself onboard Titanic then?”

Kanra smiled, not realizing how easy the lie came to her until she said it. “My Fiancé likes to travel.”

Though Margaret nodded, Kanra had a feeling she didn’t believe her, but she didn’t give that away either. “Would you care to join me for a drink by the pool, I would be most interested to learn of your travels, Miss-”

“Shiraki,” Kanra replied quickly without realizing how her name might give away the fact that she wasn’t English. “I must decline though, I should retire to my room; it’s been a long day.”

Margaret didn’t show any disappointment, she just replied with a smile, “Another time. Perhaps I will see you and that fiancé of yours for breakfast tomorrow.”

Kanra nodded with a bow of her head. “Of course.” She became surprised then when the woman reached out to grasp her arm lightly.

“It’s never too late to change your mind before the day comes.” Then she left, but not before adding, “And [lease, call me Molly.”

Kanra blinked in surprise as she watched her disappear into the elevator.  _ What did she mean by that statement?  _

** April 11th, 9:30 am.  **

****

Kanra stood politely, along with the rest that was sitting at the table. The breakfast was finished, and she smiled when Shiki took her hand before bidding them a good day as they retreated. All the time they were eating, Kanra could feel Molly’s gaze on her from time to time, watching her and Shiki’s interactions with curiosity, and probably a hint of protectiveness. Shiki portrayed no harmful intent toward her, only affection, as though any of the conversation and incident from yesterday evening never happened at all. 

For a moment, Kanra had been brought back to a time when her feelings for Shiki were strong and that he indeed cared a great deal. The members of Shiki’s group never understood his show of gentleness and love toward her, despite their presence, never treated her with disrespect, always approaching with protection and care. Of course, they wouldn’t understand, and how could they even try to? Their relationship was extraordinarily complex and built upon such a mutual understanding of one another.

“You should prepare for your meeting with Heiwajima, he’ll be waiting for you.” Shiki’s words forced her back to the present, a hurtful reminder of what their love had become now. He kissed her forehead though with a smile, as though this wasn’t wrong at all! “I will see you perhaps at tea, or possibly dinner, depending on how well this plan goes.” Kanra frowned at his retreating form, what kind of person is happy to let another fall for their partner on purpose? He was counting on it! 

** 10:30 am. **

****

Kanra and Heiwajima met on the boat deck, they exchanged pleasantries for the first thirty minutes, and she saw no harm in telling him her full name since the plan was to attract him to her in any way possible. 

They strolled across the promenade, sparing little attention to the strange looks they were receiving from various passengers, both from the first-class and the second. “Before you left last night,” he began to speak again, “You mentioned something about an assassin.”

Kanra flinched, hoping that he perhaps hadn’t heard her. They stopped walking and turned to gaze out at the beautiful ocean in which the ship was sailing. The sun was gleaming brightly over the deck, making the cold air more enduring with its warm rays. “In Japan,” she began her worrying attempt of an explanation, “it was all anyone talked about, among the streets and those I associated with when I was younger. The description was vague, not any indication anyone had caught a glimpse of you.”

The blond frowned, turning to face her. “What made you think it was me?”

Kanra stared up at him, her heart was hammering in her chest, she had always been good at coming up with a cover story on the spot. Staring into his eyes, she found herself pinned by his gaze, and for the first time, she was at a loss for words. Then she remembered something.

__

_ “It’s not his fault, it was mine,” she said almost without hesitation, and Heiwajima slammed his fist against the railing. She flinched at the dent he had caused, with a gasp, she gazed up at him.  _

The same way she was looking at him now before a smile crossed her lips. “Your strength, when I saw you dent the railing yesterday, I knew it had to be you.” She watched him tense, and she knew right there and then that she had been right. “Is that why you’re on the ship? Perhaps to hide?” and then she said, “Or is there a person aboard in which you must eliminate?”

The blond glared at her. “No!” this earned them startled gasps from those that walked past them before they carried on with whispers of disapproval under their breath. 

Kanra blinked in surprise, she frowned slightly, he had looked so offended. “I won’t tell anyone.” The lie was like a stab in her chest, a guilty feeling she wasn’t used to, why had her words seemed to have hurt him somehow? 

With a heavy sigh, he leaned over the railing, his eyes searching the ocean for the words he wanted to say. “You’ve got it wrong,” he spoke so quietly that Kanra almost didn’t hear him. She followed his example by stepping beside him and leaning over the railing. 

“Your reactions are rather defensive, that would suggest I am right. Perhaps you want to explain why I’m not.” Kanra was curious to hear what kind of story he would come up with now that he had been discovered. 

The blond stared at her for a moment, as if trying to decide if he could trust her, she was quite sure that he didn’t, but he nodded anyway. Kanra didn’t know why he chose to tell her, perhaps it was to redeem himself if only the slightest bit.

“I was born in Japan, Tokyo, my brother too, he's two years older than me. When I was two, we moved to Iwate Honshu. At the age of six, my brother being eight at the time, Iwate experienced a devastating earthquake, killed over twenty-two thousand people, my parents included.”

Kanra’s eyes averted to the ocean. “I’m sorry.”

“S’alright. Anyway, we became orphans and were taken into an orphanage that was run by a priest. My brother was always quite protective, and he vowed that we’d leave the orphanage as soon as possible. So, when he was sixteen, we left and began to earn our money through theft and scams.”

Kanra stared back up at him in surprise, she didn’t expect that from him. “Seriously?”

A deep regrettable sigh escaped him. “Don’t judge me, I just did what I had to do to survive.”

Kanra frowned, and her hands tightened around the railing because she knew what that was like. “I understand.”

He took that as a sign to continue, though he was curious what she meant, did she just say that to agree, or did she really understand? “I tried to follow his examples, but – I don’t know, I guess my conscious was a little stronger than my brother’s, rarely did I ever steal or scam unless I had to, he did most of that for both of us. He never pushed me to do something I didn’t want to do, ya know, he was a good person really, I know he was just doing what he could to keep us alive. By the time he was eighteen, I had begun to notice a big change in him; he was more indifferent somehow, more determined. I figured that the kind of life we had lived was probably what caused that, so I was sort of expecting it eventually. I became worried when he started to disappear a lot more often, sometimes even days at a time, he’d always come back though. My worries just increased when he started to come back with a lot more money then what he’d get from just stealing, that’s when I began to realize my brother was involved in far worse things than scams.”

Kanra listened intently to his story, but she was beginning to get a bad feeling, because the story he was telling, wasn’t quite the way she had imagined it to go. She swallowed dryly and managed to speak, even though her voice slightly wavered. “S-such as?”

“I followed him one night, I just wanted to make sure he was safe. Growing up on the street, I developed high body strength, so I knew I could probably protect him if I had to.” The blond smiled then. “Even though he was always the one trying to protect me.”

Kanra sighed in relief, okay, so maybe he had become an assassin to keep his brother out of trouble, that made sense, didn’t it? Though she wasn’t aware that he even had a brother, the relief was squashed when the man spoke again.

“When I found him – I saw something I never thought I’d ever see, my brother murdering someone in cold blood.”

Kanra’s heart clenched, a cold shiver ran up her spine, and she found herself unable to move. 

“I could tell by the way he looked at me, that me being there had messed up the plan. I knew then that this was probably not the first time he had-” Heiwajima clenched his fist, and Kanra could tell he was reliving the memory with great difficulty. She couldn’t make a move to comfort him even if she wanted to, still frozen by the words he was speaking. “We were forced to separate, I – I told him to escape while he could, that I would take the blame because I was still technically a minor and he swore to come back for me. I was arrested, but since there was no proof that I had murdered the victim, I was let go. After that, I tried my best to keep hidden and earn what money I could. Over the next couple of years, my brother had become famous, but not in a good way. He was a well-known assassin, and rumors spread pretty quickly of our name.”

Kanra tried her best not to show how much she was shaking because, with every word he spoke, it was just more and more proof that she had messed up.  _ This cannot be true; how could I have misinterpreted this so much? _

__

“I became a target for ridicule and abuse, and I guess me lashing out didn’t help. A year later, my brother found me, he told me to leave the country. I could see the change in him, so clearly, there was no remorse on his expression for what he had been doing. Even so, the devotion and love he always had for me were still there, he gave me enough money to escape, and I ended up in England. Kasuka had even changed his name so that nobody would make the connection to me anymore.”

Kanra didn’t know how she could have gotten it so wrong, all this time – they were following the wrong brother! 

“As for why I’m on Titanic, I got a warning from Kasuka, a telegram along with some money, he didn’t say why I had to leave England, but I trusted that he knew what he was doing. I guess maybe he got in trouble and they had found out I was connected to him or something. He told me that a ship was due to depart from Southampton, and the money was enough to purchase a third-class ticket.”

Kanra’s whole body was tense, her chest painfully tight, and she wanted to throw up.  _ I’m the reason you had to leave,  _ she thought with horrible regret, how did she not even know that he had a brother? The entire plan was a failure and not to mention – her eyes became wide, because if Shiki found out that they were on this ship, thousands of miles away from their actual target – she didn’t want to think about how he would react. Even if he still loved her, that wouldn’t be enough this time. She was sure that her composure was wavering, and it was very likely that it was showing. 

Then adding insult to injury, he told her his full name, as if what he had told her wasn’t enough proof of her mistakes.

“My name is Shizuo Heiwajima.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it was probably obvious that it was Shizuo, but I enjoyed writing the plot anyway lol. I hope you liked the chapter, turned out to be longer than I expected though ha ha.


	4. Doubts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who might be following the story, so sorry for the delay. I was unsure about continuing this story, but I found my muse again! I couldn't abandon this, I just love Titanic too much lol.

** May 6th, Halifax, Nova Scotia. **

****

****

Carefully, he lifted the delicate hand he held within his own and turned it, so the palm faced up toward him. He reached into his pocket and swallowed the lump in his throat from the sight before placing the single pound coin into the palm and very gently closed the fingers around it.

** April 11th, 12:20pm.  **

****

****

~O Spirit, whom the  [ Father ](https://www.definitions.net/definition/Father) sent. To  [ spread ](https://www.definitions.net/definition/spread) abroad the firmament. Oh wind of heaven, by Thy  [ might ](https://www.definitions.net/definition/might) , save all who dare the eagle's flight. And keep them by thy  [ watchful ](https://www.definitions.net/definition/watchful) care, from  [ every ](https://www.definitions.net/definition/every) peril in the air. O  [ Trinity ](https://www.definitions.net/definition/Trinity) of love and power, our  [ brethren ](https://www.definitions.net/definition/brethren) shield in danger's hour. From rock and tempest, fire, and foe, protect them wheresoe'er they go. That  [ evermore ](https://www.definitions.net/definition/evermore) shall rise to Thee, glad  [ praise ](https://www.definitions.net/definition/praise) from air and land and sea~.

****

Kanra was sure her lips were moving, but she had long since stopped producing vocal cords. Shiki had insisted they join the many first-class passengers in a bout of hymns in the early afternoon once she had returned – or rather – retreated from her conversation with Shizuo. Shiki never questioned her wishes to return so soon, and thank god, heh. She briefly wondered why in the name of  _ their  _ god were they here, singing for someone else’s and words so clearly written for the dangers of a ship at sea.  _ Talk about tempting fate _ , she thought about the words printed before her on a white sheet held delicately between her white-satin covered fingertips. Of course, she had redressed for this occasion too, a long silk dress that frilled out just slightly past her hips and yet hugged the rest of her frame so tightly she felt she might not be able to breathe. Of all the attire they had packed, this was by far the worst of them, she absolutely detested it, and it wasn’t even Sunday! 

While keeping in time with the words by the movement of her lips, her mind scarcely swayed over the last conversation she had with Shizuo. Shizuo Heiwajima. One name had never sounded so frightening to her, bringing with it the meaning of all their efforts in-vein, her failure in professionalism to gather information, and her failure as a lover. The latter hit harder, much like the sting of Shiki’s hand had done in the past, like it will do shortly when the knowledge of her mistake befalls upon him. She didn’t know what scared her more, the narrowed eyes that would bore into hers when Shiki found out, or the anger that would surely bestow upon her as physical punishment. Kanra had always tried to steer her thoughts away from the word ‘punishment’ because she didn’t like to imagine their relationship was anything more than business. Kanra wanted to believe the love between them flourished with each passing day, even if she knew deep down that it had died months ago. Those who were punished for their mistakes were those acting as an employee for their masters, and Kanra was a whole lot more than just Shiki’s damn servant. 

Kanra was angry at herself too, she had never gotten her information so screwed up before, she prided herself on her skills to achieve such info with what she had to work with. Gossip on the streets, manipulation, and excellent acting skills; all these traits came naturally to her; it had been one of the reasons Shiki fell for her when they first met, that, and another reason they dare not reveal in others' presence. Perhaps, if there was to be ‘punishment,’ she felt inclined to accept it with shame because she deserved it, maybe. A smile tugged at the corner of her lips for a moment when she imagined the anger in the blond’s eyes. Anger not directed at her like Shiki’s, but anger directed at the cause of her lover's hand, much like it had done already since they boarded the ship just yesterday morning.

Kanra didn’t understand why he had gotten so worked up, her lip was already a fading bruise by now, she had gotten far worse from Shiki in the throws of his anger that had nothing to do with her at all. Shizuo Heiwajima was someone who held women in such high regard it almost wasn’t conventional, their first meeting wasn’t planned, it had been the very definition of coincidence when stumbling upon one another that evening in the bar. Even now, despite how brief their conversation had been and how short their time spent together was, she could remember their exchange of words.

__

_ "You don't have to live this way, escape while you still can." _

__

_ She looked up at him with a brief smile. "Is this the part where you tell me that you'll save me?" _

__

_ He frowned. "Maybe, that depends." _

__

_ "On what?" _

__

_ "Whether or not you want to be saved." _

__

_ She took a few gulps of her bottle and stood up from the stool. "What if I don't?" _

__

_ The brunet gave a sad sigh. "Then I probably will never see you again." _

Kanra lowered her head at the white sheet of paper, the words blurry now due to the tears that threatened to fall. With a shuddery draw of breath, she forced the tears away with practiced precision and raised her head once more without so much as an indication she had ever shown such emotion. Did she want to be saved? Her answer had been spoken truthfully back then; at least, she liked to think so, but now if he were to re-ask the question again, she was afraid of what her answer may be. How many chances of escape had she allowed to slip by her, two perfect opportunities in just one day alone had already passed, so maybe the question wasn’t ‘did she want to be saved,’ but more accurately ‘ _ why _ was she afraid to be saved.’ Kanra had been on her own before she met Shiki, and had looked after herself just fine, had she relied on his protection too much that she was now afraid to let go? Was she afraid of the consequences which might befall upon her if she tried? Shiki was not just one man, at least, not in the figurative sense, he had connections too, and she was not foolish enough to think for one minute he would allow her to escape. He would find her, no matter how long it took. 

Perhaps it was for this reason she had allowed those chances to pass because deep down, she knew there was no such thing as an ‘easy way out.’ She could think of one, actually, but the very thought of such a notion went against every belief she had within her. Thinking back now, before the ship left the docks at Southampton, it would have been a breeze to step onto the gangway and  _ go, _ Shiki would not have noticed in time, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t find her. Her disappearance would be too discernible from the location, and he would locate her in a heartbeat, she was even willing to bet he would flash all his money at the captain to return the ship. 

“Will you be accompanying me at lunch, or will you proceed with your task to claim Heiwajima’s heart?” 

Kanra startled at the voice, so loud when she realized the vocals producing hymns had stopped, and those around her had started to leave. As much as she tried to hide her surprise, Kanra was sure it showed in her eyes when she looked up at Shiki. Without giving him the chance to voice his discovery, she smiled, it seemed he didn’t mind her answer, so she opted to duck away from his presence. “I will leave your side in search of Heiwajima once more, but I will re-join you for dinner,” she replied with as much confidence as she could muster. Task, it was with those sorts of words that made her doubt their relationship, what kind of lover – sorry –  _ Fiancé  _ – would refer to it as such. It was a  _ favor,  _ she was doing this as a favor to him, not because Shiki had ordered it, but preferably because he  _ asked,  _ or rather, told, that wasn’t the point! Sometimes, she wondered if their relationship had gotten so twisted that he had dismissed his love for her altogether without realizing and only saw her as his trusted employee. 

Shiki nodded with a smile before placing a gentle kiss on the top of her head. As he turned to leave, he quickly faced her once more, and the words left his lips as though there was absolutely nothing unusual about them. “Invite him.” 

Her eyes grew wide instantly, how was she supposed to reply to that? If she said no, then he would surely demand a reason why, if she said yes, then the knowledge of her discovery would come to light, and she would prefer he didn’t find out in front of all those people who may dine with them tonight. More importantly, why did he want to invite Shizuo anyway! It made no sense to her in having him there, she was supposed to seduce him, not Shiki, and she couldn’t hope to do that so carelessly in front of him, even if it was his decision. Kanra would not portray herself as a dishonorable lover in the eyes of others. 

“Merely for observation purposes, I’m not asking you to seduce the man at the dining table, I simply want to meet the one who so easily took down several of my associates last year.”

Even worse! Never mind her seducing him in the worst of timings, what about how obvious it would become that he wasn’t who Shiki thought he was, especially at their introduction. _ “My name is Shizuo Heiwajima.”  _ She could only imagine the look on Shiki’s face when the blond uttered those same words to her lover as he did with her. Kanra frowned for a moment, and suddenly, she was struck with an idea. She had been so worried about Shiki finding out the truth that the notion never crossed her mind before. Neither of them had known the name Shizuo and had never considered Kasuka might have a brother, and she smiled up at him with her newfound confidence. “He is under another new name it seems, another attempt to hide his identity, he goes by Shizuo Heiwajima. I wasn’t surprised to hear another name given his choice to change it before, and although he must have seen that I knew, I did not make it apparent.” The last part was a partial lie since she had let it slip on accident, but Shiki didn’t need to know that. 

Shiki surprised her a second time by pressing his lips to hers, and she praised herself on her aptitudes to assess the situation and convey a solution, despite the length of time it had taken than usual. “Then I shall act accordingly,” he replied and finally left her alone. 

Kanra exhaled a shaky breath, though it was more like a sigh of relief. Now she wouldn’t have to think of an excuse why Shizuo had to introduce himself as Kasuka, and she didn’t need to worry about Shiki finding out either. Her biggest concern now was how she would convince Shizuo to accompany them to a first-class dinner, that wasn’t at all suspicious. 

Amidships, on C deck, within the smoking room where third-class passengers enjoyed spending most of their time, Shizuo grunted in annoyance at the display that lay before him on a small round table. There he sat with Carl Johnson and a couple of other passengers he had gotten to know in the brief time since he boarded. Two other men, perhaps just a couple of years older than himself, one was Irish, and one was Scandinavian, who was extremely hard to understand at times. Shizuo ignored all other commotion around him, such as the loud music behind him and the extremity of dances displaying on stage beside him, or the shouts coming from the distance across from him. His attention on the cards left in his hand and those in the center of the table was limited, due to having a dark-haired beauty on his mind. Usually, he spared no second thoughts when it came to the women he met, especially one of her stature. He couldn’t find a reason why the allure of her caught him off guard so much, not that he had a preference when it came to companionship, Shizuo had just never experienced such aspiration as he did with her. Why? What was the reason behind such madness, he had met others like her before, hadn’t he? So what made her so unique that he couldn’t get the flash of her grin out of his mind, or the way she regarded him intending to study him? 

“Fold?” That was Carl who had asked; a sigh escaped him through the cigarette held between his teeth before he slipped the object through two fingers and stubbed it out into a glass tray, blowing smoke into the already vaporous room caused by others. 

Shizuo had a great poker face, years of living on the streets, and scamming people with his brother had taught him this trick. Yet, from that singular word spoken by his travel companion, it would seem he wasn’t quite conveying his reputation, and Carl’s grin told him he knew it. With another sigh, Shizuo huffed a laugh and threw his cards face up gently in front of him. “Yeah, dammit.” He wasn’t a fool; there had to be another reason for her approach than to get to know him, he just didn’t know what that was yet. Shizuo taught himself to be suspicious of those having a similar status to his own, more so of those contrasting to that. 

_ "I think you're putting on an act,"  _ he had said to her while they stood on the promenade. She had such a surprised look on her face, he suspected no one had been that close to the truth before.

_ “What?”  _ Her voice merely justified her surprise.

_ "Yeah, I've met some pretty high-class assholes in my time here, men and women alike. You don't come close, so what I'm seeing is a young woman, just acting the part to please everyone else."  _ He had undeniably caught her off-guard then, and she hid it poorly.

_ Kanra sighed; she then gave him a scornful look. "You don't know me at all." _

He couldn’t help but laugh, and then a frown appeared on his face when he recalled how he felt the familiarization of that look.  _ "I remembered then, where I'd seen you before, you gave me that same look back then too, except-"  _ Why had she seem worried, had his perception scared her that much?

_ "Except what?"  _ Shizuo curled his hand into a fist under the table, those bruises….he had been angry back then too, just like he had gotten upset when he saw her the second time on the ship. Was the reason for her approach just a desperate cry for help, a plea for him to save her? Hadn’t she told him she didn’t want to be saved? Could someone change their mind in only two months? Why him, why had she approached him out of everyone on board?  _ “That kind of talk will get you locked away, they will think of you as insane, perhaps place you in the confinements of an asylum.”  _ That was a plausible reason, he might be the only one on this ship who actually gave a damn. She had said so herself; his attitude toward how women were treated was rare it would seem, but he couldn’t be the only one, right? But with a life like hers, at least, from what he could figure out, who would care enough to save her. 

“Another game?” 

Shizuo’s attention was pulled away from his thoughts and from the cards of his defeat, back to Carl. Shizuo stood up with a wave of his hand and slid the money he had lost toward Johnson. “Nah, better if I cut my losses,” he laughed and then nodded toward the stairs. “Need some air.” 

Carl flashed him a grin as he made a show of retrieving the money and slowly slipped the coins in his pocket. “Off to dwell over your loss?” 

Shizuo rolled his eyes and clicked his tongue good-naturedly before making for the stairs. “Not for another passing second,” he replied.

** 3:35pm. **

Kanra wrapped her arms courteously around herself when the ocean air lowered in temperature as she stood gazing across the sea, starboard side. She had spared an hour searching for the blond who had clouded her recent thoughts, covering only places she dared to go before the rest of her time had taken to observe those around her. Kanra’s attention had shifted to the open sea when she began to grow envious of their freedom, never letting those thoughts linger for too long. She glanced down at the crashing waves wading alongside the hull before her eyes cast over the entire length of the ship as she leaned over as far as safety would permit her. It indeed was a magnificent liner, and she wondered how many people on board had stopped to really appreciate its beauty. 

“Don’t fall in,” came a deep voice from behind, and her arms instantly uncrossed to ensure her safety as she grasped the railing. “I really would rather not have to jump in and save you.”

Kanra hid her surprise as well as she could, as though she was meant to grasp the railing with such haste, before turning to face him with a slight grin. “Are you not a capable swimmer?” she asked with a lightly teasing tone.

Shizuo clicked his tongue and glanced out over the ocean before his eyes shifted back to her. “S’not that, just too damn cold is all, kinda don’t want to risk frostbite for someone who might not want saving in the first place.”

Kanra frowned. “Why would you presume such an idea?”

Shizuo stepped beside her and pulled a cigarette from his pocket. “Your words, not mine.” He struck the match against the packet and lit the tip before extinguishing the flame with a quick shake of his hand. “Back at the bar.” He tilted his head to catch her staring at him with a questioning gaze. “Am I wrong?”

Kanra sighed and faced the ocean once more, her arms rewrapping themselves around her small frame. For once, she understood the need for a change of clothes so often, and she kicked herself for not doing so. “A person who is saved and a person who requires saving, there is a difference.”

Shizuo blew smoke up into the air, and for a moment, there was only silence save for the waves against the hull below, or the few people enjoying the space on the boat deck as they walked. “Explain it to me,” he replied before throwing the rest of his cigarette into the sea.

Kanra watched the half-finished bud get tossed over and quickly sucked into the wind. “You didn’t finish,” she gestured idly as if she weren’t speaking to him at all.

Shizuo huffed a laugh and straightened his body to stretch the muscles in his back. “Never do, stops me from smoking so much. It’s a habit, but a good one, I guess.”

Kanra smiled and nodded in reply before stepping away from the railing to begin a walk down the promenade, knowing Shizuo would follow since she had yet to answer him. As predicted, she heard steps fall in sync with her own and glanced at the blond male beside her. “Am I such good company that you had to converse with me a fourth time?” she asked once they had walked in silence for a few minutes. 

Shizuo snorted and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Correct if I’m wrong, but wasn’t it you to approach me this morning?” Kanra turned her head away, strands of black blowing over the side of her face before she tucked them behind her ear. “Explain it to me,” he repeated; he wasn’t going to let her change the subject so effortlessly.

Kanra’s gaze fell back to him before fixing on the walkway ahead of them. “Back at the bar,” she began, “when you asked me if I wanted to be saved. There is a difference.”

Shizuo frowned, he had a feeling that Kanra was avoiding the subject, but he couldn’t let it go now. “Tell me then.” Kanra stopped with a sigh and claimed a seat on the bench beside them, Shizuo followed and sat hunched over his knees beside her. “Tell me,” he repeated.

“I think the person who does or does not want to be saved has a choice, and a person who needs their life saving never has that choice.”

Shizuo tilted his head to convey his confusion with a frown. “I don’t understand.”

Kanra huffed a laugh. “It is my choice whether or not I need saving, and I chose the latter. If I were to fall into this ocean, then I would need saving because I did not choose to fall in. To save someone quite literally and to save someone just by pulling them away from a terrible life are two different issues.”

Shizuo’s gaze falls back to the ocean in front of them if only to avoid the sad look he knows is in Kanra’s eyes. “I don’t think there is. If I were to save you from your life right now, it would stop you from ever trying to end everything yourself, so wouldn’t I be saving your life quite literally if I save you by pulling you out of the life you are trapped in?”

Kanra blinked at him in surprise, her attention focused solely on him now, she had never thought about it in such a way before. “I wouldn’t,” she said before pushing up from the bench. 

Shizuo looks up at her as she turns to face him, but he makes no move to stand with her. “Wouldn’t what?”

“End it. It is only my fault that I am in this mess, and choosing to end it is an easy way out, it will not solve my problems, not really, so you need not worry. Besides, I do not think I deserve such an easy exit.”

Shizuo narrowed his eyes and stood up. “You don’t deserve that ending at all, neither do you deserve the life you are living!”

Kanra smiled at him and stepped closer, she could feel the warmth radiating from him, and they were barely close enough to touch. “I am grateful for your concern, but it is not up to you to save me.” She then huffed a laugh, “But if I should fall into the ocean in the time of this journey, please, by all means, save me.” 

Shizuo sighed; he knew the conversation ended there, she wasn’t going to speak of that again, but he frowned and couldn’t help wanting to keep her with him for as long as possible. He wanted to help her, he needed to protect her. “Why did you approach me this morning?” he asked, and they continued to stroll across the promenade, the glowing sunlight projecting its rays over the deck, a telling sign of the early evening coming upon them. “Is it because you thought I was an assassin because you thought I was Yuuhei?”

Kanra inclined her head toward the clear blue sky, a smile forming on her lips in place of the grin she had given him before. “I was curious, yes. But as I said, I’m curious by nature, I might have approached you even without that prompt of knowledge.” She lowered her head to his gaze, and the frown that etched on his face, she suspected he didn’t fully believe her answer. “Part of it might be because we had met before, and – and it is nice to talk to another without having to-”

“Pretend?” he offered, interrupting her explanation. 

Kanra averted her eyes; there was so much more meaning behind the word he offered then he realized. “Yes.” Shizuo nodded as though he understood, but he didn’t know the half of it. “I was looking for you before,” she said, “I wanted to ask you something.”

Shizuo realized the implication to change the subject, and this time, he decided to grant her request. “What about?”

Kanra smiled and lifted her hand to him. “I ask for you to join me for dinner tonight.”

Shizuo raised an eyebrow, and before he became giddy at the prospect of sharing a meal with her, he suddenly realized it wouldn’t be just her and also – “First class?”

Kanra nodded. “Of course,” she replied before lowering her hand. “Expect nothing less.” He was declining with every tense of his muscles and the doubt in his eyes, but she wouldn’t give him a chance to. “Is that a yes?”

Shizuo frowned. “Upon whose request?”

Kanra clasped her fingers elegantly behind her back. “Mine.” Again, he probably didn’t believe her, and the decline of the invitation was apparent. She suddenly switched to the English dialect. “You speak excellent English, and there are a few people who wish to meet you, I’ve been exciting them with tales.” By the narrow of his eyebrows, she could tell he wasn’t happy, and she reverted back to Japanese. “You do not have to worry, the part of your past involving your brother remains a secret, but it is not every day they get to converse with a traveler of different origin.”

Shizuo placed his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “Does that mean they don’t know you and your so-called fiancé are from Japan?”

Kanra huffed a small laugh. “Some do, we just prefer not to announce it.”

“Gotcha.” Shizuo realized she was still awaiting his answer, he had every intention of declining, every fiber of his being screamed out to him to keep his distance. He had been perfectly happy with his third-class companions when she was just a mere persistent thought in his mind. But the more he spoke with her, the more she was near him, it became harder to stay away. He gazed at her pale, yet soft complexion, the way her clothes always seemed to fit her perfectly, the way her hair flowed across her shoulders – unlike those he had seen walking around with curls – her hair was black and straight. She was slim but not too thin like she didn’t care too much about how her body should be  _ full.  _ The way she held herself with high confidence for someone so young. Something occurred to him then, and it was probably something she hadn’t spared a second thought to. “I don’t know your name,” he said with a shuffle of his foot because he felt like an idiot for not asking sooner.

She chuckled at him; he was unsure if she was laughing at the absurdity of the belated question, or whether she really was just laughing at him. “Kanra Shiraki,” she replied before once again, holding her hand toward him.

Shizuo smiled, and this time, he took the offered gesture, grasping her gloved hand lightly. “It’s really a pleasure to meet you, Kanra.”

Kanra smiled; she felt her heart flutter, and for a moment, she became lost in the auburn color of his eyes. “Likewise,” she whispered without either of them making a move to take their hand back. They were snapped back to reality by the sound of the bugle announcing dinner. Kanra was the first to retreat her hand, she did so with a quiet laugh and coughed politely to ease the awkwardness. “So, dinner?”

Shizuo nodded. “All right, dinner.” He then blushed; a thought crossed his mind, and he glanced down at his attire. “What do I wear?” he asked before lifting his head to face those crimson eyes once more. 

Kanra flashed him a grin. “I know just the person who can help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize there are a few similarities in this chapter to the film, but I just put my own little spin on them. The story won't follow the same ways.


	5. Secrets revealed, part 1

Shizuo gaped at the luxury showing before him of the first-class dining room, he had never seen anything quite so beautiful. Shizuo stood beside the entrance, just inside the doorway he'd just been ushered through. He glanced from left to right, the grand dining saloon extended the entire width of the ship, and in every direction, guests were being guided to their seats, there had to be well over five hundred. "Damn," he muttered as he peered down at his attire before gazing up toward a few men close by. "At least I fit in." Shizuo turned his head when a light chuckle sounded beside him. 

"I almost didn't recognize you," Kanra smiled at him, and Shizuo let out a small gasp as they stepped away from the doors. "You look good, they will think you are one of them now."

Shizuo couldn't reply, his eyes shifted from Kanra's face to regard her chosen attire. The dress she wore was kimono style, that much he could tell, the fabric glinted in the light so perhaps it was satin silk, there was lace covering the lower half just past her knees. She wore a shawl that covered her small upper frame and draped across her front. 

Kanra flashed him a small grin and stepped forward. "Has the compliment been returned?"

Shizuo stammered, and a light blush crept over his cheeks. "Ah, I'm sorry – I didn't mean to – to stare…"

Another light chuckle and Shizuo stiffened when her arm looped around his own. "Relax," she told him and guided him away toward a table, where four guests were already seated, she could feel him tense under her delicate touch and smiled. Kanra's smile disappeared once they stopped beside their reserved seating, she could see Shiki stood with his back slightly facing them, conversing with whom she knew as John Jacob Astor. _I don't blame him for being nervous, he shouldn't even be here._

Shiki stopped talking when he noticed Astor's attention had shifted, he turned and smiled, lifting his arm to beckon Kanra toward him. Kanra stepped beside Shiki, and the man placed his arm around her shoulders before leaning down to whisper. "You look amazing, Nishida did an excellent job." Kanra huffed a laugh before her eyes peered up at Shizuo in time to see his angry expression quickly change into a forced smile. 

Shiki straightened to shift attention to the man in front of them, a slight smirk appeared on his face, and he lifted his hand toward the blond who was dressed in a black and white suit. "I believe you are Shizuo Heiwajima, a pleasure to meet you, our group is looking forward to hearing your tales first-hand."

Shizuo almost frowned, his fingers twitching from the effort to refrain from forming a fist. The blond became alert, his body stiffened at the mere sight of the man in front, his mind consumed with anger for a few seconds before clearing. Shizuo glanced down and finally grasped the hand poised out for him to shake; the gesture was brief because Shizuo didn't trust his grip, he wanted to crush those fingers with his bare hands.

"We're seated here," Kanra's voice tore him from his thoughts, and Shizuo stepped beside her to pull the chair out for her. "Playing the part you look?" she teased and took her seat, Shizuo pulled his own chair out and sat beside her. 

Shizuo gave a light snort. "Almost as well as you, wouldn't you say."

Kanra stiffened and clenched a fist under the table; her attention was pulled over to Shiki, who took the seat on the other side of her. "He doesn't suspect a thing so far," he whispered before gently squeezing her hand that was resting on the table. Kanra glanced at the blond, despite looking nervous at the moment, she was sure he wasn't as naïve as they assumed. 

The passengers had filled the table now, and Shizuo could feel every pair of eyes on him as he tried his best to 'entertain' them with his life story. He took Kanra's advice and left his brother out of the story and only focused on particular details of how he grew up. Shizuo was surprised to see them so accepting and attentive to his words, though he suspected they might just be acting polite. 

They would be eating soon, and his gaze regarded the ridiculous usage of all the cutlery laid out neatly in front of him. Shizuo picked out one at random, third in the line on his left, it was small and full at its tip with three points. _The hell is this for?_ He peered over at his company and was relieved to find they hadn't noticed his confusion, well, _someone_ had noticed. There was a light chuckle, and Shizuo turned to see Kanra flashing him an amused smile.

"It's a salad fork," she told him, and he returned it to pick up another on his right side. "That's a soup spoon." Kanra couldn't help but chuckle, she doubted anyone at the table would blame him for looking so confused, it was more amusing that he tried to hide it. "The best advice I can give you is to start from the outside, and just relax, you will survive." 

Shizuo smiled at her; she made him feel less nervous.

………………………….

**April 12th, 6:15pm.**

Kanra and Shizuo sauntered in step together across the promenade deck, deliberately bumping their arms for the slightest bit of contact. The ocean air was breezy, and the sky was lit with many beautiful stars aligning the darkness. The ship lit their way with its bright overhead lamps as they passed each entrance back inside. They had been meeting like this for the past two days, the more time they spent together, the more comfortable they became. Their formalities had been discarded, and Kanra refused to admit to the growing affection she began to feel. "Kanra, I need to say something," Shizuo spoke softly and took hold of her hand to lead her toward a bench. 

A frown began to form on Kanra's face when she took a seat next to him, her heart fluttered every time he looked at her, there was such concern in his eyes.

Shizuo sighed and covered her hand with his other, stroking the side with his thumb. "I want to protect you, don't expect me to leave you when the ship docks."

Kanra pulled back her hand from his with a frustrated sigh. "I don't need protecting Shizu-chan, I don't need anyone to save me. It's my life, I won't run away from it, and I don't expect anything from you."

Shizuo reclaimed her hand. "He's dangerous Kanra, he's not good for you! I understand how-"

Kanra chuckled, she had never met someone like Shizuo before, why did this man care so much for her? "You will never understand my life, please stop trying to." Kanra would not allow him to understand, he deserved better than what she could offer him. 

Shizuo bared his teeth, almost tightening his hold on her hand. "I understand what it's like to feel trapped, to feel like the whole world is against you, I grew up with a brother that murders people for a living, Kanra."

Kanra averted her eyes to the ocean, she couldn't help but feel envious of its calm appearance. "Putting assassin aside, your brother loves you, he did everything to protect you. You said it yourself, he never made you do anything you didn't want to, so how could you possibly understand what I'm going through?" Kanra stood up and stepped over to the railing.

Shizuo watched her for a moment without approaching, he ached to help her, save her from everything she feared. Shizuo wanted to pull her out of the life she was living, away from _him._ The blond finally stood and leaned on the railing beside her, facing away from the ocean. 

The two hadn't noticed the pair of eyes watching them from a safe distance, hidden behind an entryway of the ship's grand staircase. A small grin formed before the figure disappeared inside without a word. 

Shizuo lit a cigarette and inclined his head as he blew smoke into the air. "You're right, I can't understand your situation," he said before tilting his head toward her. "But I don't have to."

Kanra glanced at him, and her heart clenched at the pure kindness on his face, kindness toward her. She shook her head, wishing she had never stepped foot in that bar two months ago. Even then, Shizuo had wanted to save her, and they didn't even know each other, what kind of person was he? Correction, what kind of person was she. Kanra pulled out the coin from her small black bag that hung over one shoulder. "I don't deserve to be saved Shizu-chan," she told him ruefully before placing the coin into his palm. 

Shizuo glanced down at the coin, and just as he lifted his head to protest, she was gone. Shizuo curled his fist around the coin, he had returned the coin to her because he had promised himself that he would if he ever found her again. The implications of her returning that coin were as clear as the ocean they were sailing on, 'stay away.'

**8:45pm.**

Kanra took a deep breath before entering their private suite. After departing from Shizuo, she had decided to come clean to Shiki about what she had discovered, it was him she loved, and if he genuinely wanted to try and marry her, then he needed her full support. Kanra knew deep down what she was doing was wrong; it wasn't fair to Shizuo, but if she told Shiki the truth, Shizuo would be out of danger, and she wouldn't have to hurt him anymore. Kanra told herself over and over while walking here that it was the only way she could protect everyone. Shiki's feud was with Shizuo's brother, not Shizuo, and unless she explained that, their lives remained in danger. 

Kanra pushed the door open, the room was bright and spacious, a post-double-bed in the center against the wall, decorated with over-hanging linen for extra privacy, a solid wood vanity placed opposite adorning a large mirror and several drawers for clothing. Her eyes fixed on Shiki, who was stood by their fireplace facing away from her, and she couldn't help but fear his unusual avoidance. Although Shiki hadn't acknowledged her presence, she was sure he heard her. Kanra took two steps forward, and that was when he finally turned to face her. "Shut the door," his stern voice caused her to flinch, and she moved her hand behind her and pushed the door closed. Kanra watched him pour brandy into two crystal glasses, the dark liquid filled them a quarter way, and judging from the half-empty contents of the decanter, he'd been consuming it for a while. There was no evidence of his alcohol intake in his stride as he moved toward her, but she could see the slightly glazed expression in his eyes. "Here," he said and handed her one of the two glasses. 

Kanra took the offered drink with a shaky hand, something wasn't right, her entire body tensed under his glare. "What's the matter?" She reached her hand for him. When he batted her offered comfort away, she knew his anger was directed at her. "Shiki, have I done something to upset you?" Kanra glanced at the mantel clock before returning her gaze to his. "Is it because of the time? I apologize, we became lost in conversation."

Shiki smiled briefly, but Kanra noticed the sardonic edge held by it. "Something special about the conversation you might like to share?" Kanra opened her mouth to speak, but he refused to let her. "I was curious about how our plan was going, you know I love the way you work. It's been brought to my attention, a rather – _important_ discovery, would you like to guess what it is?"

Kanra frowned, but her heart began to hammer in her chest; she remained calm, not willing to assume the worst, and spoke just as calmly. "I don't know."

Shiki stepped closer, and she pressed herself against the wall. "Oh, I think you do, and I think you have known since the ship began its journey."

Kanra's eyes widened and she began to panic. "Shiki – I was going to tell you, I didn't find out until yesterday morning, I'm sorry – I'm so sorry." Shiki narrowed his eyes, and Kanra gasped when he turned and threw the glass he held at the wall. She watched the crystal smash into pieces, the remaining liquid already staining the white design. Shiki gritted his teeth, and Kanra regarded him with a fearful expression when he faced her. 

"Do you have any idea how much time we are wasting now? Do you know how foolish I looked when Taketa told me Heiwajima had a brother, and we were following the wrong one!" 

Kanra's hands shook, the glass in her hand spilled drops of brandy to the floor. Nori Taketa, Shiki's personal guard, had been spying on them, but when? As angry as he was, Shiki would have said something a lot sooner than this had he found out the same time she did. "Please…I'm sorry – I didn't know how to tell you and-" Kanra gasped when Shiki grabbed her hand that was still holding her drink and slammed it beside her head against the wall. A low cry of pain escaped her lips when the glass smashed, shards dug into her palm, and a mixture of brandy and blood seeped between their fingers. 

"You made a fool of me! Did you think you could cover up your mistake so casually!" Shiki curled his fingers around her hand, causing the shards to dig into her skin deeper. "You've never made such a mistake, and I'm starting to wonder if you knew all along."

Kanra hissed at the sting of liquid seeping into the cuts on her hand, she tried to focus on his words instead and registered what he was saying. "No! I didn't – I didn't know Kasuka even had a brother, I didn't know Shizuo even existed!"

Shiki slammed her hand to the wall again. "You met him at the bar! Do you expect me to believe you now? You lied to me! You told me Heiwajima had just changed his name again, and I believed you!"

Kanra winced and tried to free her hand. "Shiki…please, it hurts…" She looked at him, unable to stop her eyes from glistening. "I swear, I didn't know…I was going to tell you tonight, I only found out yesterday morning…I just needed some time to collect my thoughts and come up with a way to tell you."

Shiki seethed and swiped his knuckles across her face. "A way to lie again! We are a couple, Kanra!"

She gritted her teeth then, and before she could protest the use of the name while in private, Shiki grabbed her arms and shoved her toward the opposite side. Kanra bit back a cry when her shoulder blade hit the corner bedpost before sliding to the floor. Shiki knelt in front of her, and she hissed when he grabbed a fistful of her hair. 

"I don't even want to look at you right now, I gave you so much, and this is how you repay me, by lying to me!" he knocked her head against the wood harshly. "You should have told me the second you discovered him, I might have been more forgiving…" Shiki grabbed her by her kimono, forcing her to stand before shoving her hard at the door. "Get out of my sight before I really hurt you!" 

Kanra's breathing was frantic, her eyes wide with fright, she had never seen him so angry. "Shiki…."

Shiki glared and grabbed her arm, twisting it behind her back and threw her to the floor of their sitting room. "Get out!!" 

Kanra choked back a pained sob as he slammed the door; she shifted into a sitting position, her hand resting in her lap while the other cradled her arm. The sound of a door opening on the opposite side, caused Kanra to lift her head, and a gasp was heard when Nishida stepped into the room. Kanra tried to smile at her, but she couldn't hold it for long, tears clouded her vision and hunched over in despair. "I've messed up, I've messed up everything…what am I going to do…" Nishida carefully knelt beside her and helped her to stand and began to guide her toward the settee. "What have I done…"

Nishida regarded her with worry. "Come, sit down, and I'll fetch the first aid, or perhaps it would be better to escort you to the sickbay."

Kanra shook her head. "I feel sick, I can't be here…I need to be alone," she said and gently pushed Nishida away. "I'm sorry, and don't disturb Shiki for a while, I don't wish for him to take his anger out on you too." Kanra rushed toward the door.

Nishida lifted her hand to stop her, "Wait!" but Kanra left without another word. 

………………………

Kanra swiped her uninjured hand over her tear-stained cheeks, her other cradled against her hip. Her shoulder flared with pain when her bruises rubbed against the tight fabric of her dress. Kanra didn't know where she was heading, but she tried to avoid any passengers she could, she couldn't afford anything else to go wrong. 

"Good gracious!" came a sudden voice.

Kanra startled and lifted her head in surprise, she stopped walking the moment the familiar figure came into view. "Molly…I can explain this-" Kanra tried, but her eyes simply clouded with tears once more. Margaret Brown regarded her with a remorseful expression. "I just – I don't know how anymore…" 

Molly sighed quietly and shook her head, she approached slowly at first and then lifted her arms out. "Come on darlin, you don't need to explain anything to me." 

Kanra gasped when Molly enveloped her into an embrace, and before she could stop it, she began to cry. 

"Shhh," the older woman soothed, gently rubbing her back. "You'll be all right." 

"I'm sorry…"

Molly forced Kanra to look at her. "You have nothin to apologize about," she said quietly and shifted them forward. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up."

Kanra hesitated, she didn't want anyone else involved, but she had a feeling Molly would not take no for an answer. "Thank you…"

…………………………….

**9:55pm.**

"So, this is where you've been hidin, is it?" 

Shizuo turned from the ocean view to shift his body to the one who was clearly speaking with him. "Oh, hey Carl, sorry for ditching you so long, just needed time to think."

Carl grinned as he stepped in front of him. "Oh I know where your mind is, ya gotta let her go, she's way too high-strung for you."

Shizuo snorted, "Thanks."

"No offense," Carl laughed. "Shizuo, she's trouble for you, you can't get involved with her, it won't end well."

Shizuo sighed and flicked his cigarette out to the sea. "I know," he admitted, "I just can't turn away, she's _in_ trouble, and I wish I knew how to help her, I want to save her."

Carl's expression changed to sympathy. "I know you do, but she's with him, there isn't anything you can do to stop her, only she can change that. Personally, I don't think she wants to leave him." Carl noticed the frown on Shizuo's face and raised his hands up apologetically. "Just my opinion is all."

Shizuo nodded and his eyes shifted back to the calm sea; he knew there was truth to Carl's words, but how could he leave her alone, he was the only person she had, wasn't he?

Carl snorted a laugh, "Have to say, for a seventeen-year-old, she can beat ya pretty good at poker."

Shizuo grinned at that; Kanra had visited their smoking room on a couple of occasions, and he was aware of his peer's surprise to her lack of judgment, she treated them with the same treatment as she would with her own. At first, she had judged him poorly when they first met again on the boat deck before the ship left Southampton, and now they had gotten to know each other, she had begun to respect his status, and was careful with her use of words. "Yeah, she's one of a kind."

Carl laughed loudly and wrapped an arm around Shizuo's shoulders. "Damn! You love her, don't ya?"

Shizuo blushed and shoved him off. "You're crazy, we only met two days ago."

"Who cares! You love her, don't deny it, geez, haven't you ever heard of love at first sight before?"

Shizuo rolled his eyes. "You were just saying to forget about her a few minutes ago."

Carl shrugged and reclaimed the blond's shoulders. "Yeah, but I didn't know you were _that_ deeply fallen."

Shizuo shoved him off again playfully. "It doesn't matter like you said, she's with him, and I can't change that."

"Mr. Heiwajima?" 

A voice caught their attention, and they turn to see a woman approaching them. Shizuo smiled and nodded. "Mrs. Brown, I'll return the clothes you gave me tomorrow," he said as politely as he could. Shizuo became aware of the stare Carl was giving him, probably wondering why another first-class passenger had approached them and so friendly. "This is my friend, Carl Johnson, he shares my cabin."

Carl smiled and bowed his head slightly. "Hello, Ma'am."

Molly nodded his way and then returned her attention back to Shizuo. "You better come with me," she told him.

Shizuo raised an eyebrow. "Am I in trouble or something? You know I was invited to that dinner last night, I didn't intrude-"

Molly shook her head. "Nothin to do with that," she said with a small smile to reassure him before her expression turned grave once more. "It does relate to the one who invited you, I'm afraid."

Shizuo suddenly began to panic and his eyes widened slightly. "Kanra? Is she okay?"

Molly tilted her head. "Come on."

Shizuo apologized to Carl and quickly followed after the woman.

……………………………

"In here," Molly said to Shizuo once they approached her cabin door. "I haven't told her I'm bringing you here, but I think she could use another friendly face right about now." Shizuo curled his hands into fists, unsure if he liked that statement. Molly glanced down and lay her hand on his arm. "Calm yourself," she said softly and gestured to his fists. "If she sees you like that, it will only scare her."

Shizuo nodded and unclenched his hands, Molly nodded and then led him into the sitting room. 

Kanra looked up when the door opened, she smiled when she saw it was Molly, and then her eyes shifted over to the other visitor; the smile faded, and she gasped. "Shizu-chan…"

Shizuo couldn't help but narrow his eyes as he took in her appearance, her hand was bandaged, a purple-blue bruise darkened her skin under her left eye, and she had another bruise on her lip. 

Molly lay her hand on Shizuo's shoulder and smiled over at Kanra. "I will give you some time, stay here as long as you want, and help yourself to the decanter Shizuo." Molly then left them and closed the door. 

Shizuo couldn't move, angered by what he was seeing. 

Kanra averted her gaze to the floor, her hands shaking around the crystal glass she held on her lap. "I didn't know she was bringing you here - you shouldn't be here…" Kanra swallowed back a sob, but she couldn't stop the tears. 

Shizuo approached then, he knelt in front of her and carefully took the glass from her and placed it down on the table. With a sigh, Shizuo lifted his arms and carefully wrapped them around her. Kanra didn't return his embrace, but he felt her hand grasp his shirt tightly for comfort. "I'm here…you'll be all right now; I won't let him hurt you anymore."

Kanra frowned, Shizuo said those words like they were a fact. "No…you shouldn't – I can't stay with you, and please don't ask me to," her voice shook when she spoke like she didn't honestly believe her own words. "It's not fair."

Shizuo let out a low growl before pulling back from her. "And what he did is fair to you?" he tried to keep his voice void of anger so as not to scare her further. "This is not okay, Kanra, I don't know why you think you have any obligation to remain with him, you don't owe him anything."

Kanra stared at him with worry and then shook her head. "You don't understand, if I leave him – it won't just affect his life, but mine too, in so many ways. I do owe him so much; you can't know how much we have risked being together."

Shizuo frowned, he didn't know what she was talking about, but he didn't care. "There is no excuse for what he does, I don't know your reasons, and to be honest, it still wouldn't matter even if I did."

Kanra turned away from him because she couldn't bear to see the look of concern he had anymore. "I'm not who you think I am…"

Shizuo's anger surfaced, and he tried his best to not frighten her, but he couldn't take it anymore. "You're wrong! You are so much more than he tells you; stop listening to his manipulative words and see how incredible you are!"

Kanra gaped up at him, awed by his confession. She smiled; there really was no doubt in his tone. Kanra's smile faded. "You misunderstood, Shizu-chan, and – and I don't want you to hate me…"

Shizuo shook his head and took her uninjured hand. "I would never say that," he whispered.

Kanra sighed and pulled her hand back, she stood up and stepped back from him. "Shizu-chan, I-" she stopped, unable to muster the courage to continue.

"I'm here, Kanra, just talk to me…"

Kanra peered into his eyes, and before she changed her mind, she sighed again and lifted her hand to her hair. "I'm not who you think I am," she repeated, and before Shizuo could protest again, she pulled on her long black hair, and it came away in _his_ hands to reveal a much shorter length, still black, but barely reached past his ears. The raven watched Shizuo's eyes widen and began removing the top half of the kimono that had been carefully lifted with extra padding. "My real name is Izaya Orihara."


	6. Secrets revealed, part 2

Shizuo regarded the person he had come to know, the person he _used_ to know, with incredulity. The person standing in front of him, his upper body shown as proof of the declaration the young male had proclaimed. Shizuo couldn't find the words to express how he felt at this moment. The blond was always suspicious ever since he'd been approached on the first day of the journey, but over time, he began to relax, and – Shizuo realized how deep he had fallen, and slowly, he started to become angry. He began to recall their conversations, all those questions asked, were they just to trap him into a corner? Shizuo thought about Shiki, he didn't know what the man did or who he truly was, and he wondered how big the role he played in this was. Shizuo curled his hands into fists, it had been their plan all along, to make him care, to discover his past – and before he could stop himself, his mouth opened because a part of him was holding onto some kind of notion that the one he loved was still a victim. "Why?"

Kanra – no – _Izaya_ remained quiet, not willing to speak to the only one that genuinely cared about him, the one whom he had so easily deceived. Izaya shuffled his feet, he felt exposed in every sense of the word, it had been a long time since anyone had seen the real him. His right hand lifted to caress his arm shyly; suddenly, he felt so vulnerable, and his body stiffened as all the confidence he portrayed left him.

"Was this the plan all along, is that why you wanted to get to know me?" it was no coincidence to Shizuo anymore how they ended up on the same ship, he was sure of it. Shizuo watched Izaya slowly sit on the edge of the bed, and he couldn't help but notice the other's body shaking. With a sigh, Shizuo slipped out of his brown jacket and covered Izaya's shoulders, earning a surprised look from him. 

Izaya hunched forward slightly to bite his thumbnail nervously, and suddenly, both his hands lifted to grasp his head, fingers threading through his hair. "I'm sorry, Shizu-chan…" Those words had been the first he'd spoken since he first revealed himself, and his tone was so fragile that Shizuo just couldn't turn his back. Did it matter if the person he cared about was no longer a woman? Shizuo had been suspicious, yes, but he never suspected a disguise like this. Izaya might have been in disguise, but he was still the same, had the same personality, and – those eyes still held all the same anguish. 

"Just tell me why," Shizuo sighed; he didn't want Izaya to feel frightened any more than he already was because Shizuo believed the abuse was real, regardless of the disguise. "Was it to gain knowledge about me," Shizuo gritted his teeth when he realized. "Or my brother?" thinking back, Izaya had assumed that _he_ was the assassin everyone spoke of, and until Shizuo told him, the raven didn't know. _Was that why he looked so surprised and worried?_ "I'm going to make a guess here, and if it's true, I think I can forgive you."

Izaya gasped and gaped up at the blond, what he heard couldn't be right, why would Shizuo forgive him? 

"The plan to get to know me wasn't yours, was it? I also think that this isn't the only time you've worn this disguise."

Izaya looked down at his lap, his short hair falling over his eyes. "No, the plan wasn't my idea, and I – I can't remember the last time I was able to be myself."

Shizuo frowned and finally took the space next to Izaya. The blond reached over and gently took Izaya's chin between his thumb and finger, causing Izaya to face him once more. "I told you about myself because, for some reason, I thought I might be able to trust you-"

Izaya lifted his hand and closed it around the blond's wrist to lower his hand. "There's nothing I can say or do to amend that mistake." Izaya moved to stand up, but Shizuo stopped him. 

"I wasn't finished," Shizuo said, keeping his hand on Izaya's arm. "You didn't tell him everything, did you."

Izaya became confused. "I don't understand."

Shizuo smiled and removed his hand. "Now you can tell me your life story, you owe me that much, it's only fair, right?"

Izaya's eyes widened. "You – you still want me around, after what I've done?"

Shizuo frowned slightly. "I need to understand first, I've already decided that I can't just walk away." Shizuo pulled out the coin and held it out to Izaya. "That's why you gave me this back, isn't it."

Izaya chewed his lip and then winced when his teeth grazed over the cut. "It was easier – I just thought if you stayed away, it would keep us both safe…"

Shizuo shook his head and closed his fingers over the coin. "The hardest part is done, you've already taken the risk of showing me who you really are, now's the time to tell me why."

Izaya averted his eyes for a moment, he reached down to seize his drink and took a large gulp before finally nodding. "I was born in Japan, Tokyo. It's funny, my childhood wasn't traumatic as you might think, considering how I ended up this way, it was almost ordinary."

Shizuo smiled slightly and leaned back on his palms. "Only child?"

Izaya's expression became solemn for a moment. "No."

Shizuo tilted his head and a frown formed. "Sorry, did I upset you?"

Izaya shook his head and smiled briefly at the blond before continuing. "I had two identical young sisters. When I was fifteen, we had a bad winter, my sisters were excited because they hadn't seen snow before. My mother told me to take them outside and watch out for them. I took them down to an open field so they could play," Izaya huffed a laugh, but it was laced with sorrow. "I must have told them so many times to remain in my sight." The raven shook his head to hide his clouded eyes. "I just took my eyes off them for one second…there must have been thin ice – I guess the lake froze over or something…I dove in, but-" Shizuo leaned forward and covered his hand over Izaya's. "By the time I pulled them both out – they were already-" 

Shizuo tightened his hand on Izaya's. "It wasn't your fault."

Izaya smiled and tried to pull his hand back. "A farmer heard me call for help, he helped me carry my sisters back to our house – my mother blamed me and – I couldn't take it, so I left out of guilt and never looked back."

Shizuo suddenly felt lucky to have Kasuka back when they were growing up, living on the streets was hard enough for both, and he couldn't imagine how Izaya coped on his own. 

"What I'm about to say next might sound arrogant, but I was smart for my age, and my personality was – slightly uncouth, I guess, anyway, I adapted pretty quickly to living on the streets. I was good at observing my surroundings, and within a few weeks, I had a pretty good understanding of the world. My survival skills were based on my curiosity than anything else, like yourself, I learned how to take care of myself. I could see things other people might miss; my focus expanded not only my surroundings but people too. Eventually, I gained a reputation for myself, the local people started to approach me for – let's call it advice for now – in return, I was given money and food."

Shizuo blinked in surprise, he actually felt jealous. "I guess we know who the better survivor is," he joked.

Izaya smiled and shrugged. "I don't think either of us can be named such a thing; while I didn't steal or scam like you and your brother, the things I did were hardly the right choices."

"What do you mean?"

"The more 'advice' I sold people, the more known I became. Eventually, my 'talents' caught the attention of thugs too, I was suddenly aware I had earned a name, I was called broker, short for info broker. I stopped seeing most of the locals because they suddenly didn't trust me anymore due to my associations with other groups. When I was sixteen, I had already gotten used to my daily life and became extremely confident in my skills, it was a job to me, and I didn't care who I had to mess with to get it done. On occasion, I had been known to use disguises to complete my job and became quite skilled in manipulation."

Shizuo had moved over to the table to pour himself a drink to which Molly had offered, he gestured to the decanter, and Izaya declined. "So, you were already using disguises before you met him?"

Izaya nodded. "It was only a few months after that when we met. I was asked to spy on a yakuza group by another syndicate, and using my skills, I found their meeting point in an underground bar. Obviously, no one was supposed to know about the place except for a select few of the yakuza members' lovers, all of which were absent – to which I already knew they would be. I was there to spy on them for an ex-yakuza who wanted to gain back his position. I disguised myself as a female, claiming that I worked in the same brothel their lovers did."

Shizuo grew slightly disturbed by this, but he didn't voice his opinions. "If the other women were present, they'd have instantly revealed your lie."

Izaya nodded. "I could tell the members were suspicious, but my disguise was too perfect." He smiled at the memory because he could honestly say he had been happy. "However, their leader, Haruya Shiki, immediately saw through it, he wasn't as clueless, and before I could announce my chosen story as to who I belonged to, Shiki claimed it was him. I didn't deny it, I was curious, I wanted to know what his plan was and why he didn't rat me out. Shiki led me into the private back room and quickly removed my hairpiece. I knew then that he wasn't like the others I had tricked; he was clever and far more dangerous. At first, I was scared, I expected to be killed right there and then, or dragged back to the others. It didn't happen, and I started to suspect that he was attracted to me, not because of the disguise, but the real me. He admitted to me that he had known about my reputation for quite some time, Shiki offered me a place at his side, he wanted me as both his partner and his lover."

Shizuo frowned then, taking long sips of his drink to calm himself. "You just – you accepted?"

Izaya sensed Shizuo's disapproval, but he merely shrugged. "He wasn't like anyone I met before, he had self-respect, and I couldn't help but feel drawn to him. Shiki was the first person to ever see through my disguise and the only one to be direct with me. He told me that I would have full protection and promised the utmost affection, the attraction was apparent by then."

Shizuo could see the sincerity in Izaya's eyes, so he believed the feelings had been mutual. Shizuo began to wonder when it had started to go wrong, when did Izaya become trapped in the life he obviously used to love?

"Of course," Izaya continued, "We could only be together on the conditions that I remain a female when in the presence of others. It wasn't difficult; living on the streets, I had quite a small physique, and my appearance was fragile. I knew the risks, I wasn't stupid, Shiki had a reputation, he made it clear that his sexual attractions for males be kept a secret. Anyone would prefer to hide such an attraction, it's not normal to feel such a thing between males, I understood that. I knew the decision I made would affect the rest of my life, but at the time, I just wanted to feel something, I wanted Shiki to be the reason I changed."

Shizuo understood what Izaya meant; he too had wanted so desperately to change, to feel needed, or perhaps just have a better life. Shizuo suspected that on some level, Izaya hadn't been left with a choice in the end. 

Izaya huffed a laugh. "I know you probably think he manipulated me; if I refused his offer, he would have surely killed me, but if you think about it – I could just as easily reveal Shiki's secret too. Neither of us voiced the obvious, I think deep down we were just craving contact. I did have a secondary plan in mind, that I could use Shiki's attraction to me to my advantage and just run if things sounded too complicated."

Shizuo sighed, "I take it the opportunity for that didn't come?"

Izaya smiled, but it was beginning to fill with regret. "It did, but by the time it had, I – I had already fallen for him, and we were already becoming known as a couple. To the yakuza, we were a perfect male/female couple, behind closed doors, we were male lovers."

Shizuo looked down into his drink. "You were young."

Izaya wrapped Shizuo's jacket around himself more and leaned against the bedpost. "We never spared a thought for my age, I was sixteen, I wasn't a child."

Shizuo didn't offer a comment to that statement for fear he might upset him. 

"I quickly became very confident in the role I played, both as a female and my job. Shiki always protected like he promised, and I gave him advice when we were alone."

Shizuo glanced at Izaya and noticed his expression had begun to change, he lifted his hand to cover Izaya's that was resting on the raven's knee. "You don't have to talk about it anymore."

Izaya shook his head and huffed a laugh, but there was no humor. "Maybe I grew too comfortable, too confident; I started to forget who Shiki was, who I was supposed to be…"

Shizuo frowned, "What went wrong?"

Izaya looked at him, he knew that question was directed at his and Shiki's relationship. "They needed information on someone they had discovered was spying on the group and infiltrating the supplies. Nori Takeda, he is Shiki's right-hand man, he offered a suggestion to use me, Kanra, to gain the info in a – seductive way."

Shizuo's eyes widened, and he immediately grew angry and pulled his hand away encase he hurt him. "Izaya…" Shizuo tried to keep himself calm. "Surely, that was more of a risk considering you were – ya know."

Izaya nodded. "I know, and I did refuse, I had no desire to be used that way – I only disguised myself on the streets to keep people from finding out. I promised Shiki I would remain a female, but only to protect us, not to-" Izaya frowned and sighed. "Anyway, I got angry toward Shiki, much like I do when we're alone, but – we weren't alone."

Shizuo gritted his teeth. "He hit you."

Izaya averted his eyes. "It was the first time he had ever laid a hand on me. Once we were alone, I knew he regretted what he did, and a part of me felt responsible, I should have tried to control my anger better. Shiki knew I was scared, and he knew we both made a mistake at the time, but what choice did he have."

Shizuo felt his body tense and his hands curled into fists. "Don't defend him! He had a choice Izaya, he didn't need to hit you just to prove his damn superiority, even if you were disguised as a female!"

Izaya leaned forward, surprised at the display of concern Shizuo was still showing despite his secret. "It's a much different world for a Yakuza, worse than what you know in England."

Shizuo sighed and finished his drink. "I'm sorry, but I don't agree."

Izaya glanced away. "I forgave him because I honestly thought we were both to blame, and he told me it would never happen again." A frown etched onto Izaya's face, and he wrapped his arms around his knees. "But it did."

Shizuo looked at Izaya, struggling to refrain from embracing him. Shizuo didn't care that Kanra was male, that she was Izaya all along, it didn't change the way he felt. 

"I realized very quickly that I was trapped, there was no escaping the life I had chosen to accept, even if I wanted to, I couldn't because I loved him." Izaya snorted a laugh to hide his emotions. "I know it sounds ridiculous, but I don't know how else to explain."

Shizuo didn't want to reply, he simply couldn't find the right words because he had no right to judge Izaya, but he knew it couldn't have been easy.

"Over the next six months, I was placed into situations, much like the one before, several times, most of them were Yakuza enemies. What I did, I did for Shiki, because I didn't want him hurt." Izaya tried to laugh. "They had no idea how we gained our info, but it didn't matter, Shiki gained a stronger reputation and less trouble from others in the end."

The blond frowned slightly. "Are you saying you were happy with that?"

Izaya shrugged. "I was only happy to be able to keep Shiki safe from his enemies."

Shizuo shook his head. "By endangering yourself."

Izaya shifted to dangle his legs over the bed. "I never got into trouble, Shiki and his men always came at the right times. However-"

Shizuo noticed Izaya's hesitation again, but the raven's expression was somewhat fearful this time, and the blond didn't want him to stop, Izaya needed to talk, having been bottling it all up for so long. "You said it happened again, the hits I mean," he prompted.

Izaya nodded. "Shizu-chan, I just – I don't think you want to hear the rest…"

Shizuo frowned, "Izaya, you can tell me anything."

The raven bowed his head and tried his best to avoid Shizuo's gaze, his eyes glistening now. "The hits became frequent when an assassin going by the name, Yuuhei Hanejima, killed several of Shiki's allies on his turf."

Shizuo's breath hitched, and his eyes widened, the hand that was resting on the bedsheets shook before curling into a fist. "Kasuka?" there was no mistaking it, Shizuo knew who the assassin was, and suddenly everything was beginning to become clearer. 

"Shiki was angry, and he got a lot more violent. I was by Shiki's side the most, so it was only natural that I was the one he took his anger out on, whether it was my fault or not. I knew he was under a lot of pressure now, and once he calmed down, the regret was obvious."

Shizuo clenched his fists. "It's not okay, it should never be okay…to take his problems out on you regardless if it's your fault or not!"

Izaya looked at him then and placed his hand on Shizuo's closed fist. "I'm sorry."

Shizuo blinked in surprise. "What, why?"

The raven glanced away. "It's my fault that you're on the ship Shizu-chan." Izaya sighed and stood up from the bed to move toward the window. 

Shizuo watched his form, he could see how much Izaya was trying to hide his emotions, could see how much he was hurting. "Why?" he had a feeling he already knew, and even if it made him angry, he wouldn't blame Izaya.

"Shiki was determined to destroy the threat by any means, and I – I just wanted him back to normal, back to how we used to be. I discovered the information on Yuuhei and found out his original name was Kasuka by following different leads. Shiki took me out of Japan to follow my latest information to England, along with his guard and Hotaru Nishida, my personal carer who helps me with my disguises."

Shizuo couldn't believe it, everything he had done – everything his brother became, it was connected to Izaya all this time. The people his brother assassinated were those of Shiki's group, and because of that, Izaya suffered for it. Shizuo loved his brother; Kasuka had always looked out for him, and although Shizuo didn't know the reasons for Kasuka's choices, he'd never shunned him. Suddenly, the blond knew why they were here, why Izaya came to England. "You thought I was the assassin because I took the fall for Kasuka at that time. You didn't know I existed, did you."

Izaya turned to face Shizuo with a faint smile. "No, I really screwed that up, I honestly didn't know Kasuka had a brother until we met at Southampton on the boat deck."

Shizuo swiped a hand through his hair. "I guess our meeting at the bar really was a coincidence."

Izaya huffed a laugh before returning to the bed. "It was, I just – I just wish I knew about you before we got on the ship."

Shizuo stood up, and his eyes were full of regret. "I'm sorry."

Izaya's eyes widened. "Why should you – why would you even utter such a thing?"

"I just can't believe our lives were this connected, and we didn't even know, the choices we made affected us in such painful ways. Kasuka's part in it caused Shiki's rage to hurt you, I can only apologize for his mistakes."

Izaya frowned and stepped forward to grasp Shizuo's shirt. "Don't apologize for him! It wasn't his fault – not for my part anyway, I made the decision to accept this life, Kasuka was only protecting you by doing something he thought would provide a life for you. I found out about him, and we left for England." Izaya sighed. "I just didn't know I was following the wrong one."

Shizuo grasped Izaya's hand. "When we met at the bar, it was my last shift, I was preparing for my trip on Titanic. Kasuka sent me a warning that people were after me because they thought I was him. He sent me some money and told me about the ship, I purchased a third-class ticket, and with whatever money I had earned from my job, I was ready to leave."

Izaya leaned forward to rest his head on Shizuo's chest. "It's my fault you even had to leave."

Shizuo shook his head, and his hand came up to rest on the small of Izaya's back. "No, you were just doing what you needed to do to survive and protect the one you loved, I guess, even though he didn't deserve it." Izaya chuckled, but Shizuo saw the tears threatening to fall. "Wanna know the funny part?" Shizuo huffed a laugh. "When I said, 'depends if you wanted to be saved,' if you had said yes, I was going to take you with me."

Izaya gaped at him, and then he laughed. "Oh, well, that would have been rather awkward."

Shizuo's smile faded. "I think if we did, things would have been worse for you."

Izaya knew he was right, and despite their regrets now, he was glad it turned out this way.

"I don't hate you for your choices, Izaya, I don't believe it's your fault, just like I don't blame Kasuka for his own choices."

The raven pulled away with a sigh to sit down on the bed once more. "Shizu-chan, I'm not entirely innocent, please don't forgive me so easily."

Shizuo couldn't help rolling his eyes, but he understood why he was reluctant to accept his forgiveness. "Izaya, there isn't anything to forgive."

Izaya shook his head slowly and held his head in his hands. "I have a confession to make," he said quietly. "The plan was to approach you and get to know you, but there was something else I was supposed to do." A tear fell from Izaya's cheek as he lifted his head to face Shizuo. "Shiki told me to get you to fall for me, he said it would make you vulnerable, and-" Izaya had to look away from Shizuo because his heart was clenching. "He told me to kill you."

Shizuo's eyes widened; he knew Izaya had been asked to get to know him, but he hadn't imagined this – how could someone ask their lover to kill a person for them? Shizuo clenched his fists, Shiki was a sick man, and he only wished he were the assassin, he'd have wrung his neck by now. "Izaya…"

A few more tears slipped from the raven's cheeks. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "Everything is so screwed up; I don't know what to do anymore. I wanted to make things right, I – I even tried to tell Shiki the truth, I thought if he knew, it would keep you safe too. Shiki found out before I could tell him…"

Shizuo wasn't angry because Izaya was going to put Kasuka in danger by telling Shiki the truth, he was mad because Izaya risked his own life to keep Shizuo safe. "And that's why you're hurt…"

Izaya's body shook at the memory. "I've never seen him so angry, I thought he was going to kill me."

Shizuo pulled Izaya close by wrapping his arm around his shoulders. "Hey, it's okay, you're safe now, I won't ever let him hurt you again."

Izaya closed his eyes for a moment, relishing the warmth Shizuo's body offered.

"I have my own confession to make," Shizuo spoke suddenly. "Your plan worked, Izaya." Izaya gasped lightly and lifted his head to regard Shizuo with an open-mouthed stare. "I did fall in love with you, I know that sounds crazy, but it's true." When the raven tried to speak, Shizuo pressed a finger to his lips. "I know what you're thinking, that it's because I thought you were female, but the thing is – I don't care, my feelings for you didn't change like I thought they might when you revealed your true identity. It didn't change the love I felt because, in my opinion, you and Kanra are the same person, I don't think you really ever changed your personality."

Izaya was speechless; he thought Shizuo just cared about him, he didn't expect him to – especially now. Izaya couldn't move, and now he felt guilty to know that the plan had worked after all. "Shizu-chan…"

Shizuo smiled and leaned forward to press his lips against Izaya's.

Izaya's eyes widened for a moment, and then they closed as he began to return the kiss. 

When they pulled away, Shizuo was still smiling as he moved his thumb to catch a tear that fell from the raven's eye. "I love you, Izaya."

**Author's Note:**

> Two other ships called the CGS Montmagny and the SS Algerine were also sent out to recover bodies. Finding only another five bodies in total.


End file.
